What I Miss About You

Fix You - Natalie

When Ben first pulled me into his arms, my initial instinct was to melt into him as I had always done. Then sanity took over. No, we weren't together anymore, he was with Shane, and I was still a mess. This couldn't...shouldn't be happening. But before I could properly voice all this, his lips found mine. I let out a small sigh of surrender at the feel of his hand upon my face, four strong fingertips braced against the back of my skull, his thumb playing along my jaw line, tilting my face up to kiss me deeply. For the first time in almost a year, I allowed myself to melt into him, let him take me away...far, far away...far from vicious, hateful voices, from rough, evil hands, from the agony of being bottled up for year, even from the evilness of the Third Reich and what they had done. The world had narrowed down to just me and Ben and the places where we were connected.

Our lips meshed, his other hand at the small of my back, bending me forward, my body crushed against his. Shame-filled no more, I kissed him back, reliving all the kisses from our past in this single stolen moment. The cold forgotten, I wrapped my arms around his waist and clung to him, closing my eyes and glorying in how he returned my kiss measure for measure. Hungry...no, starving for each other. 

Even when we have to break apart briefly to unlock the door and stumble inside the cottage, I stayed glued to Ben, his arms anchoring me to him. We went into the living room, not speaking, Ben just watching me closely, carefully, as he pushed me down onto a tufted ottoman. I watched him as he swiftly built a fire, then returned to my side once it was going, pulling me down onto the hearth rug with him and taking me once again into him arms.

We resumed our kiss as if it had never been interrupted, my arms twining around his neck now, fingers carding through his soft, dark hair, exploring familiar territories and scents. It was as intoxicating as ever, even more so for the long months I'd had spent without it. Our tongues grazed each other, the kiss deepening into something less skilled and more passionate. My hands wandered down his neck and back up, then outward to his shoulders, molding themselves to his hard muscles. The heat from his body was rolling over me and into me like a river of lava. I felt those undulating waves of arousal that only Ben had ever been able to elicit. I wanted him so badly. 

He pushed me down onto the rug while I pulled him over me. He pulled away just long enough to strip out of his suit jacket and once he was free of it, I welcomed him back to me with outstretched arms. The skirt of my dress was becoming rucked up as Ben settled naturally between my legs and I lifted my knees up on either side of him. Feeling him so close to my core, despite the clothes in our way, was pure heaven and I craved that sweet satisfaction that only Ben could give me, that beautiful completion we always had whenever we made love. And yet...

As hard as it was, as much as I might hate it, I admitted to myself that we had unfinished business between us. And this couldn't go forward without addressing it.

"Ben," I whispered, gently pushed against his chest. "Wait..."

He drew back and looked at me, and the concern and worry etched into his face when he looked at me could have made me die. "Natty, baby," he breathed against my temple, planting kisses along my forehead. "I'm sorry...I can't help it. I want you so bad..."

I almost cried. "I know, Ben, I want you too. Oh God," I groaned, sitting up and running my fingers through my hair. Holding my head tightly in my hands, I moaned, "I wish I hadn't screwed everything up...I should have been able to tell you..."

Ben was still kneeling close to me, his hands on my arms, rubbing me up and down as if he was trying to quell the shivers that racked my body. "You didn't screw up, baby," he crooned. "I should have been more patient. God dammit, I did so wrong by you, Natty...please..."

I lifted my head and even though my eyes swam in tears I had never felt more ready to conquer my demons. At least one of them. "We did wrong by each other, Ben." I took a deep, shuddering breath and steeled myself. "It's time you knew."