What I Miss About You

Little Girl Blue - Ben

I took a good look at her once the doors to the elevator had shut. She seemed thin and pale. I wondered if she was eating right. I mentally shook my head. It wasn't my concern anymore. I briefly glanced at her long straight blond hair that she still parted on the left side, the same style she had always worn since I had known her. It looked as though she'd finger combed it this morning. Her clothes seemed loose, more proof she had lost weight.

Suddenly I felt angry. At her, at myself. But mostly her. Why the fuck did she have to come to work looking like a child's thrown away doll? And why the fuck did I care? I still hadn't forgotten the hell she put me through...and here she was, worrying me. Fuck it. No. I wasn't going to worry about her. I had given her all the chances in the world.

I thought about last night with Shane. Her warm smile across the table, the way her green eyes sparkled and shone and that unruly mop of red curls that she hated and I loved. I took a deep breath. Focus on the positive, Ben.

Natalie fidgeted with her phone but from what I could see she wasn't texting or doing...really anything with it.

"You don't think we're going to get yelled at?" I asked breaking the silence.

Natalie looked up at me her wide hazel eyes startled as if she'd forgotten I was there. "What?" she asked in a an octave higher than normal.

The beginning of my smile faded. Too soon to joke around, I guess. "Nothing," I said biting the inside of my mouth. "You ok?"

"Yup!" she answered too brightly. "Just caffeine withdrawal. I didn't have time for coffee this morning. I was running late."

I frowned. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry." I knew how much she loved her coffee. I looked down at the stainless thermos in my hand. Before I could thoroughly think through the appropriateness of my action, I hesitantly held it out to her.

Her eyes shot up to mine again as if she thought I was trying to make fun of her. Her eyes grew wide and she leaned slightly away from me.

Three years earlier...

I reached across the table in the little coffee shop where we were supposed to discussing how we were going to cover the visit of a foreign dignitary to the United States. My big, clumsy hand closed around her small delicate one.

"Natalie," I said. I lowered my eyes to our hands then and saw a slight blush crept across her cheeks.

It was then I realized that she was just as awkward as me. I had been nursing the most tremendous crush on her since day one at the newspaper. I thought she was the brightest, most beautiful woman I had ever met and I was drawn to her delicacy and childlike face. I wanted to protect her, even though she seemed pretty capable. I was an idiot. I was struggling now find my words but she silently supplied them for me with an encouraging lift of her fine blond brows.

Go on, I urged myself. Ask her, Ben.

I rubbed my thumb absently over her fingers, knowing my mouth was working stupidly as I tried working up the courage. As if on a sudden inspiration, she turned her hand over so that she was the one clasping my hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Yes?" she whispered.

"Can I," I stumbled over the words, "take you out sometime?"

She smiled at me, the sun breaking through the gloom of my world. "Of course, Ben! I'd like that."

I must have looked surprised, but how could I not be? Didn't she know she was already the center of my universe? She could do so much better...I'd seen the way the other guys in the office looked at her. But with my simple, stupid invitation she looked as if I had just handed her the moon. I couldn't help grinning like a fool.