Silent Pantomime

Chapter 42 | Spitting image

Chapter 42🌌:

There is a kind of character in certain movies called a 'manic pixie dream girl', that is a quirky and eccentric female character that is supposed to save the male protagonist from himself. Quite frankly, it is rather patriarchal with the whole "the girl's only purpose of the plot is to help the man" ordeal, which is why I never really liked those kind of characters. But through the day of me being silent, I had written down in my notebook one of my last and most vivid conversations between Oliver and I.

"Haz, it's so strange that your strangeness makes me like you even more."
           — "I'm not that strange."
"Says the girl who talks non stop about astrology."
           — "Gross, I'm not one of those weird astrology freaks."
"You once said that I had Virgo energy. I'm Sagittarius."
            — "Well that means we're compatible. Plus, it was a joke!"
"But you still constantly smile up to the stars."
           — "Because they're interesting. At least I'm not obsessed with Star Trek."
"Star Wars."
           — "Same thing."
"It's not, but whatever. I was saying I like you because your different."
            — "Good different or bad different?"
"Good different."
            — "Good."
"You're not a bad person at all, just a little bit different, and I'm a sucker for that."
            — "You sound fresh out of every Netflix movie to exist."
"But you'd be much better if you could tell the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars."
            — "I regret bringing it up now."
"As you should."

Even though the words were scribbled out roughly on a page of my diary, I could still hear the conversation clearly in my head, the laughs and sarcasm still ringing in my ears as if it were happening right there in the moment. It just made me realise how I had been Oliver's manic pixie dream girl, because I was special to him and stood out for him.

The only thing was that I hadn't saved him from himself, because I was the part of him that got him killed. I still hate those kind of characters, but if I had a legacy to carry out, I would have done it. Which is what made it much worse, because I didn't save Oliver, I buried him six feet under instead.

That was why I was so angry at myself. Some anonymous person was blackmailing me and trying to control my life, and they took away the one person I still cared about, and it was all my fault. This person was trying to write my life, where I was the one of a kind girl that couldn't fulfil her only task. They knew I hated feeling useless, but I know I'm the only one to blame.

Luckily I had a new legacy to follow through with. Oliver told me he forgave me, and to not punish myself. I couldn't dwell on him forever, so I decided I would have a kind of memorial for him, and then I would move on. It's what he'd want, and he deserves to be happy, no matter where he is.

I listened to his favourite songs, lit a few candles, saw old videos we had made together when we were bored. I even watched Star Wars for him.

***

I had always wanted to leave my mark on the world without getting too attached to it myself. Luckily, that was becoming easier each day, because I could agree with Cinderella that stepmothers are evil.

Katherine came home around midday when I had finally finished my personal goodbye to Oliver, making me wish the daunting silence would come back to swallow me hole. My eyes were puffy, but she despised me enough to mock my crying instead of stopping the tears. I was drinking my water, trying to distract my hunger, as she stormed into the kitchen mumbling something about me not being at school and being a spoiled brat.