Silent Pantomime

Chapter 12 | To be honest

Chapter 12🌌:

I wished everybody in the world knew the original saying of "blood is thicker than water". Blood is thicker than water makes it sound like bonds with family are stronger and last a lot longer than bonds like love and friendship. Which clearly wasn't true as my dad was my only technical family that I saw and knew about, and our bond was probably the weakest link. I was much closer to girls like Demi, and even though I didn't class them as friends, they were the closest thing I had to them - which made the water much thicker than blood.

The original saying is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". This changes the entire meaning, as the it suggests the bonds between the family you choose are much stronger than what you are born into.

I also loved having 'friends' because it was just funny. It was funny how they were nice to your face. It was hilarious how they would be nasty behind your back. It was downright comical how they thought you were unaware.

But I didn't need friends or a family.

I just needed people, and by people I mean their attention.

"Hey Hazel!" A voice laughed and waved their hand in front of my face, "You okay, you zoned out for a second?" Demi asked. I looked up from my smoothie and saw Demi, Autumn and Cassidy all looking at me.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine," I lied laughing. After I stormed out of the restaurant, my dad had tried calling me, but I ignored him and called the girls to meet up. I didn't really know why, but I think I hoped that hearing the latest gossip of Jordan and Macy would make me not want to strangle the world.

"Guys I have some bad news," Cassidy randomly blurted out, tapping her nails on the table in a jittery kind of manner.

"What is it Cass?" I asked her as I took a sip from my smoothie.

"So I heard from Lola's sister's cousin's girlfriend's friend Caroline that Nathan doesn't like me anymore," she blubbed which made the other two girls gasp in shock.

"How could you not have told us?" Autumn asked and smacked the table, "He's such a man whore honestly, you're too good for him!"

Cassidy sighed slightly and looked at me, "He is such a douchebag, ain't he Hazel?"

I smiled at her and nodded, "The douchiest douchebag douche there ever was."

Demi shook her head chuckling and slapped my back, grinning like an idiot, "Hazel has no experience in someone not liking her," which made me want to choke.

"Everybody loves her."

Of course everybody loved me, who wouldn't love the girl who told a girl to kill herself, who relied on attention to live and was named after a witch? But instead, I just bit my lip and let my magic eyes do the work, telling a bigger lie than a middle aged man saying "diet starts tomorrow."

"I guess the world has good taste."

It made them all laugh, but I just tried to drink as much of my drink as possible to fill up the hole of guilt that was forming inside of me. I couldn't stop thinking about Ally and I didn't know why, she was dead and I went to her funeral - it should have been the end of it, all that closure crap or something? I almost wanted to laugh at how insane everything was becoming; one of my friend's biggest problems was a boy not liking her, and mine was my that my dad was getting remarried after my mum died, while I lived with the weird sensation of guilt because I drove a girl to her death.

It's hilarious.

The boy that Cassidy has been so upset about had started messaging her, being all apologetic and whatever a boy thinks a girl wants to hear. Naturally, as a group we all made a response that barely got Ally off of my mind:

"Nathan, being a dick won't make yours any bigger. I don't particularly hate you, but if you were dying I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. Two words, one finger - and it salutes you for being the biggest screw up there is."

Okay I'm not saying it was a great response, in fact, it was awful. I was pretty sure Autumn found most of it from Pinterest, but if it solved Cassidy's problem, I could only have prayed it would solve mine.

I went back to my house a few hours later, purposely slamming the door as I entered. The noise travelled all through the house, as I stomped loudly up the stairs, not giving the rest of the house my time of day. If God really was up there, I wanted to walk through the golden gates and politely, yet violently ask her why my life had to get so dark so quickly.

I viciously opened my computer and once again I began to type on my Tumblr page.

"Life sucks. Don't let anyone tell you different. If you feel tired of something, just quit it, resting won't make anything better. Once you wake up from your little nap and go back to it, the problem won't have magically disappeared. Once something stops to suck for a while, it comes back to suck even more.

Let's be honest right now. Nobody on here knows each other, not a single person. We are all strangers, we are allowed to judge each other, it's in the social contract of life. Comment under here something you regret, someone you hate, why you feel guilty, something you hate, why you hate it. Hate is a strong word, but sometimes it needs to be used.

What is something that I need to be honest about?

Well, it feels like my face has been made of papier-mâché ever since something happened when I was eleven. Papier-mâché is strong, but if what's inside it gets too big for it, then it will break. I've gotten bigger since I was eleven but my papier-mâché mask hasn't. It's trying to cover up as much as possible, while under more and more constant pressure. The pressure of the secrets building up, the lies I've told people, the truth of what I'm actually like. And someone has already found a small crack in the mask and chipped their way through. But that's all I'm allowed to say about it in case my bigger truth comes out.

Because that would smash my mask entirely.

So tell me your truths, maybe I can help you. Maybe someone else can help you. Maybe you can help yourself, realise your problem is much smaller than what you think.

To be honest, the world needs to be more honest."

A/N
I deeply apologise for that text message. Editing me hates it. But past me found it somewhat "funny," so it's staying there I suppose. anywho, have a good day🤍