Silent Pantomime

Chapter 23 | Taste my own blood

Chapter 23🌌:

All humans were created for someone up their to study death, whether it being the stars or whatever god you believe in. One day if she feels like it, she can easily reach over and turn off the switch.

And yes, I did say she. Because Ariana Grande said God is a woman, so it must be true.

I only had an hour left in the room. One more hellish hour - and I was praying that God would leave the world on for just one more day so someone could notice me one last time; because I never wanted to be caught dead alone after this, as I knew for a fact that I wouldn't survive all of it all over again. So make me taste my own blood, stab me in the heart, rip out my organs. Do your absolute worst. Only taking away my attention could have killed me.

I was staring out of the window in my screw up of a motel, and just watched the rain continuing to fall and build up its momentum to hit the blurry, grey concrete. I was pinching the skin between my two fingers, a habit that I had developed within the few days I had been there. It is supposedly a good way to stop tension headaches that storms usually cause, but it also could stop tension in general- which is why I began to do it. The bruising on my wrist was finally beginning to fade as if the amount of water being thrown out of the sky was washing the pain away. I was breathing heavily, trying to keep my mind at ease. I was doing so much and thinking about everything, while at the same time, not doing much at all.

People always say that a microwave minute or a minute at school are the longest minutes to exist - but imagine that times sixty; after being locked away from the world for three days worth of those microwave minutes.

My bag was already packed with my minimal amount of clothes and trusty red lipstick, and I had remade my bed three times out of boredom. Everything was ready for me to up and leave, except the reason why I had to stay.

As the rain began to fall harder, the more I wanted to go outside - as if the world were weeping for me after being locked away for so long. I wanted to go and dance in the rain, but I couldn't for another twenty three minutes. I wanted to cry, but instead I shut my eyes and listened to the rhythm of the rain.

My thoughts kept wondering and twisting into nightmares, but I guess that is what hell does to a person. I kept thinking about how I didn't need the attention to light up my world, it could just sit with me in the darkness. Either it was me acting like an angel who craved chaos or being a demon who wanted peace, but either way my head quickly was becoming a hellish place; my thoughts thudding in time with the heavy rain.

I opened my eyes, now only having fourteen minutes left. I peered at the beating water, seeing two silhouettes quickly running through it. Despite the bleakness of the world, even from far away it was visible that they were both laughing and radiating masses of happiness. That was what instantly made me hate them. They had full focus on each other, not a slither of consideration to the world around them which was crumbling.

I let out a long and pained groan, the colours of black and grey in my heart heating up and twisting into a colour so ugly and strong that it didn't even have a name. "What doesn't kill me might make me kill you," I said as I gazed out the window at the silhouettes of the people that were finally fading as they turned a corner. I continued to stare into the abyss of nothing, a mental cancer whirling around in my brain.

Six minutes.

My reflection in the window that had become hazy from mist and the beating water, slowly began to move to reveal another version of me grinning a sly and deceitful smile. "Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter," the girl whispered.

I grinned back - four down, three to go.

"Which one are you?" I asked, squeezing the skin between my fingers even harder. "Envy."

I rolled my eyes and stood up. "Holding onto jealousy is like drinking a poison and expecting the other person to die," I stated nonchalantly.

The girl in the window chuckled a low and bitter laugh, "Envy and jealousy aren't the same thing." But I just walked away, letting her dissolve in the star's tears.

I had zero minutes left anyway. I wasn't go to stay and drink the poison my mind was pouring, then wonder why I was so sick. I was going to walk out of there and get someone to talk to me as soon as possible. The world had been silent for too long, and I wasn't going to start singing with pain to replace that.

Once again quoting Ariana Grande, just keep beathin'. What else was there for me to do?