Truth or Consequences

chapter 12

"Helene?? Sweetheart... Let's get you somewhere else. Felix is looking for you." Charlie says, putting me back upright and leading me into a private room. She sits me on the couch and then kneels in front of me on the ground taking hold of my hand with one and texting with the other. "I think you're having a panic attack. Can you tell me five things you can see right now?"

"A mirror, your phone, a photograph, a chair, and a fan."

"Awesome. Now tell me four things you can feel."

I'm familiar with this grounding technique and am so grateful she's walking me through it. She continues with three things I can hear, two things I can smell, and one thing I can taste. By the time we're done, my breathing has regulated, and Felix is standing in the doorway. I guess he's who she texted.

"How did you know to do that?" I ask.

"I actually have terrible anxiety... Not a lot of people know that. That's one of my favorite techniques." Charlie squeezes my hands, stands up, and pats Felix on the shoulder before leaving the room. Felix moves to where Charlie was kneeling in front of me.

"Can you tell me what happened, baby?" He asks softly.

I close my eyes and let Felix's presence calm me. "It feels silly to say out loud," I start, and Felix holds my hand on his chest. I focus on his breathing, his heart beating.

I tell him about how Zoe called me... But after my initial happiness, I started thinking about our relationship and about how many milestones my mom will miss.

"Helene... I don't think you need to worry about us. We're good. We're gonna be good. Believe in us. As far as your mom goes... I can't do much to change the situation, but I promise to love you and be there for you."

I let out another sob because I believe him. I want to believe him. Felix comes up to sit on the couch and pulls me over to sit on his lap. Then he cradles me, and it feels so safe.

"I know this sucks, sugar, but we'll be stronger together. You're not doing this alone anymore."

This is not how I envisioned our last night together, but Felix called for a car and took us back to the hotel with me in his arms the whole time. The panic attack left me pretty exhausted... so it feels as though I'm in a fog, going through the motions. Occasionally a sob escapes me, and my brain feels like it's on repeat. Continuously repeating that I don't have much time with my mom, that I'm too broken for Felix, and that there is something I'm not doing enough of.

As soon as we entered the room, he started the bath and got me my toothbrush. He had me wash my face and put my hair up in a messy bun. I'd never bathed with someone before, but it was so loving and intimate for him to undress the two of us, helping me step into this luxurious bathtub with him. It was the perfect temperature, complete with bubbles. Felix sat behind me, holding me; I felt completely surrounded by his body. Every now and then, I'd sob out a 'sorry' or an 'I'm such a mess,' but Felix would always respond the same way. Kissing the side of my head, shushing me, and telling me he loves me.

When the temperature cooled off, we got out, toweled off, and slipped into bed. I am completely empty as I lay down, and Felix spoons me from behind. Before I can drift off, I have a realization that I share with him.

"Honestly... this might be the first time I've ever let anyone take care of me. Thank you, Felix." I whisper into the dark.

"Thanks for letting me. I'm happy to do it." He whispers before kissing my shoulder.

***

We don't have much time before I have to leave, so we get room service and cuddle until the very last moment when we need to go to the airport. I don't let Felix walk me in because, well, it feels kind of pointless, but I also feel like we've said goodbye so many times... In so many ways. I needed to just be able to walk away from him.