To All The Tropes I Wanted To Write

X

(TRIGGER WARNING)

I suffer from pain
I know a lot of people do
I suffer from depression
I know a lot of people do
I have traumatic experience from relationships
I know a lot of people do
I suffer from being harassed and groped and dirtied
I know a lot of people do
I self harm
I know a lot of people do
I lost closed friends because I couldn't deal with them anymore
I know a lot of people do
I cry myself to sleep
I know a lot of people do
I wish for a different life each day
I know a lot of people do
I hate myself
I know
I know a lot of people do
Whenever I open up and share my feelings, I know that people have it worse
I know that they've been through more horrors than simply being groped in an empty classroom when you're too young to understand your feelings and getting helped seemed impossible
I know that some people commit suicide while I was just whining about my life and cutting myself because pain is the only thing I've got left to feel
I know that when I get so insecure about my body that I end up thinking about death, some people are starving themselves to be better and that I should just try harder
Or when I cried so much over a movie, some cry over their dying dogs and cats
I am very aware
I know a lot of people have it worse
But can you please listen to the words I've been dying to say just to let this feeling of dread finally slip out?
Can you please stop reminding me of how my thoughts are nothing compared to what lies beyond other people
Or how my injuries from countless blades are nothing compared to the scars on the necks of people who tried and failed to take their own lives
I know that I'm just shamelessly parading myself in depressed scar and two am stained cheeks when the tears won't stop coming and the pain does not subside so I've got no choice but to endure it because how can you scratch an invisible itch in your heart when the wound seems a dream but the pain is a nightmare
I've tried countless of times to open up but all I here are tired words, annoyed tones, of people I thought were my friends but kept their ears shut when I'm not talking about boys, make-up, or clothes
It seems like the only way for them to hear you is if you're beautiful enough to be their friend
You once asked me if I was alright and I desperately wanted to say I'm not but I could already see the roll in your eyes and your dismissive hand wave as you chuckle lightly and say:"It's not that bad, I have it worse..."
So instead, I kept my thoughts shut and placed a smile on my lips as I answered that I was okay even when you looked into my eyes, I wasn't
And even when you see the raging storm inside me that wanted to pour out you turned a blind eye and decided that I was okay
And how I wish you were right that I was okay
I thought that the problem was me because I was just selfishly thinking of myself when other people have it worse
I used to hate the government for this poor way of living
I thought that if I was born richer I'd be happier
Now I just hate you for making me feel lik shit
Because you'd say we're friends but then you'd never message me unless the calendar day has a red in it saying that's its christmas or its new year and its mandatory to tell your family and friends you love them
So forgive for being selfish because I started to hate you when you said shit hehind my back while I was barely breathing through each day because each second of my life I was having a breakdown
Forgive me for wanting to talk ahout my suppressed feelings because your new makeup doesn't make me feel better and only brings out my insecurities
Forgive me for pushing you away because I felt you were too toxic and for once I wanted to love myself first than care for what you think of me
Forgive me for being like this because when my mom left me at a young age and was mentally and emotionally abused I accidentally became depressed
Forgive me for only thinking about myself when you worry wether your boyfriend is cheating on you or not and if your new top would go better with your jeans or that chic skirt you got last week
Forgive me if I was so ugly and never tried when my body would be aching for hours without food and my face would crack dry from the wipes to make it look better
I guess you were right and the problem was me all along