Perfectly Wrong

9. Not Appropriate

Camila wipes her tears on her sleeves, realizing she’s become really good at crying these past six months. She barely had a reason to do it before. She had a simple life in Miami: a routine, a great group of friends, a school and a home she loved. She cried enough for a lifetime in the following weeks of her father’s death, but then she realized neither her mother or sister were able to move on if she didn’t. Her father was extremely present in Sofia’s life, so she made an extra effort to be more present for her sister. She started getting involved in all of the activities her younger sister did, from painting and drawing to her karate lessons. It kept both of them occupied, making the grieving easier to an extent.

 A tap on the passenger window brings her back to the present moment, but she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. She doesn’t want to see anyone, but when she turns her head she can see his torso and faculty ID hanging from his shirt. She unlocks the door and looks away through her window, wiping mascara from her eyes while focusing on the injured garden gnome staring back at her with his smug little grin.

 Shawn slides into the passenger seat and closes the door, but neither of them say anything. He has his arms folded across his chest, staring directly in front of him when he starts speaking.

 “ What are you thinking?” He asks.

 Camila turns towards him, pulling one of her legs up into her seat and hugging it with her arms as she looks at him.

 “ I’m confused as hell, Shawn.” She finally says. “ I don’t know what to think.”

 “ I’m sorry.” He sighs and looks through the passenger window. “ This is all my fault.”

 “ It’s nobody’s fault.” She disagrees. “ It wasn’t a conscious decision. You didn’t know, Shawn.”

 “ But I should have known, Camila.” He turns his face to look at her. “ I’m in an occupation that doesn’t just require ethics inside the classroom, they apply to all aspects of my life. I wasn’t aware because I wasn’t doing my job. When you told me you were eighteen, I just assumed you were in college.”

 “ I’ve only been eighteen for two weeks.” She feels the need to clarify that, but instantly regrets because it sounds like she’s blaming him. He’s already blaming himself, she thinks, he doesn’t need her to be angry at him too. Neither of them could have predicted those circumstances.

 “ I student teach.” He starts to explain. “ Sort of.”

 “ Sort of?” She asks.

 “ After my parents died, I doubled up on all my classes. I have enough credits to graduate a semester early. Since the school was so short-handed, they offered me a one year contract. I have three months left of student teaching, after that I’m under contract through June of next year.” Camila tries to listen and make sense of what he’s saying, but all she can hear is that they can’t be together. “ Camila, I need this job. It’s what I’ve been working toward for three years. We’re broke. My parents left me with a mound of debt and now college tuition. I can’t quit now.”

 “ Shawn, I understand.” She says, hoping he’s not thinking she would ask him to quit his job. “I would never ask you to ruin your career. You’ve worked hard. It would be stupid if you threw that away for someone you’ve known for three days.”

 “ I’m not saying you would ask me that.” He says. “ I just want you to know where I’m coming from.”

 “ I do understand.” She says. “ It’s ridiculous to assume we even have anything worth risking.”

 “ We both know it’s more than that.” He says with hesitation, making her take a deep breath because deep down she knows he’s right. This thing between them was far beyond just infatuation and if having a broken heart hurts even one percent more than how she’s feeling, then she doesn’t even think falling in love is worth it.

 Camila tries her best to stop her tears from falling again, but suddenly she’s being held by Shawn as her tears soak his shirt. She buries her face in his chest as he gently rubs her back.

 “ I’m so sorry.” He says. “ I wish there was something I could do to change things, but I have to do this right, for Aalyiah. I’m not sure where we go from here, or how we’ll transition.”

 “ Transition?” She asks, feeling a sense of panic at the possibility of losing him. “ But what if you talked to the school? Tell them we didn’t know. Ask them what our options are…” Her words fade as she realizes there’s no point. This won’t work.

 “ I can’t, Camila.” He whispers. “ It can’t work.”

 They hear a door slam and immediately pull away from each other as Sofia and Aaliyah run from her house to his house across the street.

 “ Camila? There’s one more thing I need to talk to you about.” His voice sounds nervous. “ I need you to withdraw from my class. I don’t think we should be around each other anymore.”

 Camila feels her face getting hot as her hands start to sweat, knowing he really means it. Anything they had up until this point is completely over and he’s going to shut her out of his life.

 “ Why?” She doesn’t even try to hide the hurt in her voice.

 “ I’m not asking you this because I want to avoid you.” He pauses, then clears his throat. “ I’m asking you this because what we have is not appropriate. We have to go our separate ways.”

 “ Not appropriate? Our separate ways?” She quickly goes from feeling hurt to feeling angry. “ You live across the street from me!”

 Shawn opens the door and steps out of her car, so she does the same and slams her door.

 “ We’re both mature enough to know what’s appropriate, Shawn. You’re the only person I know here. Please, don’t ask me to act like I don’t even know you.” She pleads.

 “ Come on, Camila! You’re not being fair.” His voice is now matching hers in tone. “ I can’t do this. We can’t just be friends. It’s the only choice we have.”

 It feels like they’re going through the most horrible breakup, but they’re not even in a relationship. She feels really annoyed and angry at him and the entire situation, even though she knows it’s not his fault. She’s not even sure at this point if she’s angry about what happened that day or about her entire life that year. The only time she’s been truly happy in these last six months was when she was with him, so it scares the hell out of her to hear him say they can’t even be friends.

 “ So, you’re saying it’s either all or nothing?” She asks. “ It obviously can’t be all, so…” She heads back to her front door, kicking the garden gnome on purpose on her way. “ You’ll be rid of me by third period tomorrow!”

 She walks inside the house and slams the door behind her, throwing her keys towards the kitchen counter with such force that they end up hitting the floor as she takes off her boots.

 “ What was that all about?” Her mother asks, watching her from the couch.

 “ Nothing.” She says. “ That’s what it’s about. Absolutely nothing.”

 She walks to her bedroom and locks the door, heading straight to her keyboard and heavily playing the chords while trying to understand how life threw the most unexpected surprise on her face. Her forehead rests against the keys when she realizes playing is not helping, then she stands up and heads to her closet in search of a specific item. She finds the purple hair clip in the back pocket of a pair of jeans, taking it into her hands and laying down on her bed without bothering changing clothes. She falls asleep crying, holding the hair clip tightly in her hands.

 When she wakes up, it’s past midnight and the hair clip has fallen onto the floor. She picks it up and takes a small section of her hair, keeping it in place with the small object. It used to have healing powers when she was a kid, but it does nothing to take away the pain she’s feeling, so she takes it off her hair and throws it around the room in anger before falling asleep again.