HIDDEN (D.M)

T H O U G H T S

WARNING!/ mentions of suicide and cutting

After that night in the astronomy tower you can say me and Atticus have become quite the buddy's. After he told me he was gay I was surprised he sure as heck doesn't act like a gay person.

Then yet again how does a gay person act? I'm guessing he'll be the dominant type in the relationship.

I know deep down I was developing feelings for him, I mean who wouldn't he's adorable, sweet, kind-hearted, well to me at least and not to mention very attractive.

Maybe he noticed I was getting feelings for him and told me he was gay.

Either way it's a good thing, I don't think it's a good idea to date or become something other than just friends right now.

I have to adapt to this lie about my name and who I really am. Lying to a friend is one thing but lying to that special someone is another.

It hurts not being able to talk to anyone about this other than my notebook. Sometimes writing it isn't enough and I sometimes just want to talk to someone about it and cry in their shoulders while they hold me tight and say 'everything will be okay'.

But that's not the case for me.

Every day it feels like a constant loop. I wake up, get ready, go to breakfast, go to classes, lunch, more classes, dinner, then come back to my dorm and write.

Yeah sometimes Atticus walks me to my classes or sits down with me when we eat and we have a laugh but it doesn't last because of his quidditch practices.

When Malfoy wrote those distasteful words on my door it's been completely silent from him. No back talk, no cutting, no laughing. Just silent.

Sure we are in the same house and sit on the same table but even still it's silent.

Sometimes during class the back of my neck hair starts to stand up and I get shivers down my spine, and that's how I know he's looking at me. The feeling will remain until he looks somewhere else.

I don't have to see him to know he's looking at me, part of me tells me I will always know when he looks at me. I hate that feeling. I don't want to have any association with him whatsoever he's an asshole.

Atticus told me I have good reflexes and should join the quidditch team for Slytherin. I completely laughed at his face. I don't have good reflexes whatsoever.

I got hit in the head by a freaking book coming my way, imagine quidditch by those bludgers, no thank you.

Although it would be a fun thing to do and take my mind off of things. But I don't know if I would even be allowed to join this late in the year.

I can train for next year but to play? I don't think so.

I get out of the shower and wrap my towel around my body, I walk towards the sink and wipe the foggy mirror with my hand to examine my face.

I look at myself in the eyes and can't help but think about summer.

Summer is around the corner and all I feel is nervous. I think about going in that manner and it makes me feel uneasy.

Knowing people have died there, death eaters would have meetings, people would get tortured there, and many more horrible things almost makes me want to throw up.

Especially when I have to sleep, eat, take a shower there because it's my 'home'.

I know I'll have Delilah by my side and she'll keep me company and that makes me feel better, but then I think about how I'm just lying to her and soon to her face, and how I have to keep so many secrets from her because who knows what she'll say or do.

After everything Delilah has gone through with her abusive mother, those cuts on her wrist, and her suicide attempts she still managed to keep a smile on her face and fight through it until she became better not for anyone but for herself.

She's such a strong person. A person I admire and love with all of my heart, I don't know how she'll react if she finds out about this. Me. My family.

I don't want to add any more sadness into her life. Right now keeping those things a secret seems like the right choice. I have to keep them a secret. No matter the cost.

It's my burden to carry and nobody else.

I walk out of the bathroom and make my way towards my bed, I feel too tired to change and comb my hair so I just lay down and try to sleep without having to think about anything else.

Just sleep.

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