Love And Abandonment

reaching the surface

DON'T FUCKING SAY THAT!" he screams at me and I jolt away from him in shock.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you, but I don't ever want to hear you say that what happened that night was your fault because it wasn't Bexley. Yes you two had a shitty relationship, that part isn't a lie, but she became what she was on her own. You were and still are just a kid, it isn't up to you to fix her. As a mother she should've done right by you, at most cared enough about you to get clean. She chose to stick that needle in her arm and become the addict she was on her own, and her death was no one's fault but her own, you can't control that part of your life, but you can control what happens now. You need to live for you, not lose yourself trying to find a better version of her somewhere it'll never be found."

I can't pretend that what he said about her death, about her dying alone and on her own didn't leave another crack in my already damaged foundation, it only made the sting worse, and I also won't pretend that him calling her an addict didn't make my blood boil, but one thing that resignated more then my anger or the sting in my heart hearing what I already knew, was that I can't keep trying to find reason behind what she did, nor try to find a better version of her when I know that the deepest of memories couldn't do that. he's right I know he is, I need to live for myself for once, and even though I can tell myself that a million times, that broken girl Inside won't let that happen, and all I can say to everything he said was

"You're wrong about one thing, she did care about me"

"I know you believe that bec and maybe at one point that was true but, the moment she picked that needle up she loved it more then you. I know it sucks to hear, and it kills me saying this knowing the state your in but, unlike all your other friends I'm gonna be as honest and as realistic as possible. I care about you a great deal bec, and I need you to see that this wasn't in your control. even if you did care enough to help while she was alive, it would've either ended the same, or hurt you more then it is now because you would've cared the whole time rather then after her passing, and where would that leave you now? More broken then you are now, and I refuse to see you hurt over someone who didn't hurt seeing you in pain because of things they did. Loving you would've been the only thing I needed to become a better person because you're worth changing for, no matter how hard a fight it was to get to that kind of change. Look at pete, he's known you a few months, and is already fighting to change for you more then she ever did throughout your whole life. Please Bexley, don't let this dull your light! You are such an amazing person, and I'm tired of seeing your eyes look as lifeless as hers, don't let it turn you into that, please." And instead of replying, I walk away from him and the building holding petes shitty life within its small walls. Why? Why did I walk away instead of trying to understand he was trying to help me? Instead I just kept walking, even though I heard him screaming for me to come back. I walk Around the crowded streets of new york letting the loud noise of the city drown out my oh so intrusive thoughts, until I find a small run down bar on one of the corners I happened to walk down.

"ID" the big bearded man says as I walk in, and right as I was about to leave I hear " she's with me Rick" from a familiar voice. I turn to see KK sitting with mason at the bar, and instantly regret walking in.

"Hey guys, I just came in to use the bathroom" I blatantly lie to two of what I consider to be my closest friends, aside from hero, and I know they're aware I'm lying.

"Sit down right now girl! I know you don't drink but, I feel like you could really use one right now with the way you came in here looking. Don't walk into my bar, and not expect me to serve you when you look like you could use the whole bar to yourself." She says calling me on my bullshit just like KK would, and I love her even more for that exact reason. She doesn't tell me I'm wrong for feeling how I feel, or try and give me bullshit advice like hero and mason, she allows me to feel how I feel and comforts me through it. That's what I want, I want comfort not therapy, that was supposed to be in my past. Before pete, before hero, and kk, before mason, before all of it. I have them now, I have friends now! Something I didn't know I could have until I met them, and Kk always makes it known that she supports me no matter what, even if she's supporting my constant depression that I've magically developed again, she's there with food, drinks, movies, and nothing but love, and thats all I need. I love hero, and he really, truly is a good friend, but he doesn't understand me enough to help me the way I need help. Thats why I walked away today, I know he was right, but despite that I need to get through these feelings, and I can't do that with someone telling me I shouldn't feel that way. I don't care about how I got this way, wether it was my moms death, or petes addiction, but im here and I need to feel these emotions completely, and even more so I need to know im not wrong for feeling them. I'm barely scratching the surface, and I can't continue to drown.

"Last call!" I hear Kk boom through the little bar, and without realizing how much I drank, I'm not hammered, and I fucking love it.