Love And Abandonment

a comfortable numb

The night of the incident seems so distant, but it's only been a week, and I've been in this awkward in between ever since. I haven't really allowed myself to feel anything about the event's of that night, but I replay them often. I haven't spoken to anyone since it happened, and I'm almost positive I lost my job, seeing how I haven't actually gone in. It was gonna happen eventually, like I said, good things don't last for me. I mean, didn't you see what happened? One good thing in my life, and the most bizarre thing that could possibly happen, takes place days later. I was foolish to even think that things were ever gonna stay that way, but it felt good to cling on to that little strand of hope I had left. I can't stop seeing her limp body lying there on the floor, her once youthful eyes, now dead and lifeless. The nightmares have gotten worse, some images being replaced by the new turn of traumatic events that have taken place in my life. I've been tossing, and turing every night for a week, barely getting three hours in each night. I need air, I need to leave this room. Deciding I no longer wish to be bombarded with these dreadful thoughts, and trapped inside this house with the memories of that night hidden within it's walls, I decide to take a trip to the nearest gas station to get something small to snack on, I haven't had much of an appetite, but I need to eat. On the drive there, I don't play my usual music,  I play the music I used to be very fond of before I grew out if it, well I didn't exactly grow out if it, I more so moved on from it. It reminds me of a darker time, but with the emotional turmoil I've been experiencing, I welcome the familiar burn that comes with the lyrics, well really the memories behind them. Hearing three days grace "home" blaring through the speakers in my car, I can no longer fight the hot tears, that are now steaming down my cheeks, their uninvited, but all the more welcomed, at least now I'm feeling something. Somehow I knew the music would do this, It always makes me feel when I feel like I have nothing left in me, after all, it was my only outlet. The only way I knew to express myself, was through music, and often it was all I ever did, because it was the only thing that made me happy. Some say home is a person, some may say it's a place, but for me it's music. No matter where I go, or what I do, or who I do it with, my music stays with me, and the stories behind every songs lyrics sooth my hallow chest. Without realizing the distance I've driven, I managed to mindlessly drive to SNL, and as I'm pulling into the lot, the realization hits me. Only I could manage to drive myself to the one place I didn't want to be, without giving it even the slightest bit of attention. I mean honestly I could have gotten killed not paying attention to the roads, but my thoughts just kept coming, along with the tears that followed. I don't know how, or why I came here, it's almost like there's an invisible string that attaches me to this place, but I don't know why. Just as I'm about to turn out of the parking lot, I see hero rushing out the doors, sadness evident through the frown lines that are now prominent on his once beautiful face. Before I could go unnoticed, his eyes lock with mine, and I see what seems to be shock by his reaction.

"BEXLY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!? I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK!"

I just open my door, signalling for him to come in, I didn't feel like getting out right now. Once he's in, he looks at me with seriousness behind his eyes, and begins his rant.

"Where have you been?"

"I've been around" I say flatly do to my voice being horse from all the crying.

"You've been crying haven't you?"

I didn't give him an answer, and I honestly didn't want to so, I'm not going to.

"I've tried calling, texting, I've even went by your flat, and you've just ignored me. I know you've been going through a lot bec, after all I was there for all of it, I just wish you would've talked to me, let me know that you were okay. Are you? You know, okay?"

"I am okay, I think... I mean I haven't really felt anything about this until just recently on the drive here, I've been in this weird in between state, where I don't feel the emotions, but their presence is there, almost like.. Like a comfortable numb. I didn't even mean to come here, but somehow my mind made me travel here, without letting my body know where it was taking me"

"I'm glad you did, I've missed you, and I've been worried sick"

"I really shouldn't have come here, and I'm pissed I let you into my mess of a life, I'm sorry I ever brought you there, even though you're a prick, you shouldn't have had to see that, It was a mistake on my part, but don't sit here and have sympathy for me, tell me you miss me, and try to concole me when you know we're not friend's." I say more rushed then I had wanted.

"You didn't drag me into it bec, don't say sorry for something that wasn't your fault. You should never be sorry for the events of your life, especially when your not the one making them bad. I know I said some things, but I thought we were okay after the other day, and if we're not that's okay, but you've been through a lot, and I can only assume what I seen was only a small amount of it, but wether we're friend's or not, you shouldn't go through it alone. You haven't been to work in a few weeks, and you had me worried, even if you think I'm incapable of such a thing."

"Look dude, I don't need your sympathy, and I don't need you to worry, I've managed this train wreck before you, and I can manage it without you now."

"Look, I know I don't exactly deserve your kindness, but it's not sympathy Bexly, I'm trying to be your friend. I said some dumb shit, but I mean I kind of made up for it right after. You've been through a lot, and I know that letting me in is probably hard for you after what I said, but I didn't realize how wrong I was until after it was already done. I guess I just wanted to tell you that everything that happened to you was shitty, but they've all molded you into the person you are today, and that person couldn't be more perfect, that person happens to be the only person I want to spend my time with, I know, it's a twist" he says cutting himself off to smile at his own joke "all and all, what I'm trying to say is,  Never feel guarded with me bexly, I'd never judge you for the things that made you, you. They created the beautiful mess that I've grown to adore." He says as his eyes pour into mine. "When I said what I said, I was a bit mad cause you insulted my manhood before I ever said anything rude to you so, in a way I was kinda the one that deserved the first apology,  but I said sorry first cause your a lady, and I shouldn't have reacted as harshly as I did.

He says it so slowly, but the words run like butter of his tongue, and in this moment I feel comforted to know he's here, but how long will he stay? He manages to convince me to come inside, and leads me to my dressing room, and to my surprise, my name plate still holds its place on the door, along with all my belongings inside the room. There's a small bouquet of sunflowers, with an even smaller note reading "to mrs. Rose, I've heard about the incident, and I'm very sorry for your loss. Im glad you have someone as kind as hero to be there for you, it comforts me to know your in the arms of a good boy during your time of grief, sincerely your friend, Lauren."  Hero must have told him, but then again word travels fast. Just as I'm about to ask hero who all knows, pete waltzes in with a smug grin on his face. Oh boy