daveed and emmy oneshots

ill leave a light on

tw :: anxiety & depression

Everytime Daveed hit the "join meeting" button on Zoom, the cycle began. His hands would sweat, his heart began to skip beats, and his brain would hurt from the fear seeping in.

Over the past few months, he had been suffering through a great amount of social anxiety. Quarantine brought all press online and that was a challenge for him. He had always had a slight form of social anxiety, but with his usual outlets being taken away, it had worsened. Virtual interviews always came with a wave of anxiety, and with the number he had to do a day, he was constantly facing horrid social anxiety and it was taking a toll on him. Everyone's eyes were on him and he was terrified of saying the wrong thing.

Press he was able to do with or near his girlfriend, Emmy, made it a little better, but nothing could really lessen the pain. He felt like a prisoner in his mind and the anxiety made him shut down. Fear of saying the wrong things and the way people would perceive him caused him to just go mute.

People in the interviews were noticing, and that added another stressor on his brain. He could never stop fidgeting during his calls, his hands always playing with his rings or in his hair. They would have to pry words from his mouth and he said everything with insecurity. He couldn't seem to reach the confidence he usually carried and he didn't know whether it was the isolation, the increased press, or just the new way everything was done.

His body was shutting down and he was pushing everyone out. After every call, he would just go to his room and hide under the covers. Away from the world, he couldn't handle any more interaction. Even Emmy, the girl he loved more than anyone, was shut out. He couldn't keep going through the never ending cycle, he couldn't speak, he couldn't keep letting people in.

His mind was constantly replaying everything he would say over zoom or in meetings. He would berate himself over every little thing. All he wanted was to shut it off, to be able to take a break from his mind. He couldn't rest, even as he buried himself deep in their bed, he was still going over the few words he'd spoken today. "Everybody hates me," he thought, "I'm never talking again."

Remaining mute was his minds only solution to the anxiety. He knew no other way to climb out of the hole he was digging. The nonstop anxiety came with self doubt and depression, and his body was dealing with its effects. He hadn't eaten a full meal in days, and when he wasn't on a call, he was in the bed.

Emmy walked in their room to see him in a fetal position under the covers. She didn't say a word, she just climbed in the bed and held him. She let him have his silence, but she wanted her presence to show that she was here for him. Anxiety and Depression were silent monsters but she could see what he was going through even when he tried to push her away. She so badly wanted help for him and she was constantly thinking of solutions.

She rubbed from his back up to his head as he clung to her waist. "Dav?" she asked, not completely sure if he was awake.

"Yes," he said from his place on the bed, so quietly that she could barely hear.

"Will you please eat for me?" she asked. She knew it was hard for him to move to get up to eat, but she was scared for him. He was looking so frail and she didn't even know if he was hydrating.

He rolled over but she could see him nod his head. She got out of the bed and headed to the kitchen to make him a sandwich, something he could eat from the bed. She put extra pieces of turkey and cheese for the calories and headed back upstairs. Daveed hadn't moved from his spot, but when she sat down, he began to rise just a little.

Daveed took the sandwich and took a bite. He pulled her into a tight hug, his way of saying thank you.

"You're welcome baby," she smiled as she hugged him back,"I have an idea, hear me out?"

"Mmhmm," he nodded.

"So you know how you say bold clothing helps when you do in person interviews," she said garnering another nod for him,"well, what if we just brought that to zoom. I know it won't solve everything, and we can talk about deeper help later, but would you want to try?"

"Yeah," he said, and she could even see a slight smile creeping through his features. Clothes were the way to his heart even if he never said it. He took another bite of his sandwich and got out of bed for the first time since his earlier interview.

He had been donning sweats in all his Zooms, so Emmy hoped that maybe just a change in routine could ease some of the anxiety. "You can try a nice outfit for your call in the morning, but if it doesn't help, I'll wait in here with the light on."

He picked a striped shirt and some printed joggers and set it out for in the morning. He climbed back in the bed and this time pulled Emmy into his arms. He pressed and kissed on her cheek and sounded, "Thank you, i love you more than you could ever know," before both of them dozed off to sleep.

The next morning Daveed arrived at the "join meeting" screen dressed in the outfit he had chosen last night. He could feel a little of the anxiety creeping in, but today he entered feeling better, clearer, and more alive than he had felt in weeks. He felt more confident, confident that he could speak and not be hated. When the meeting finished, he breathed a sigh of relief but he did not feel the headache he normally did. He actually spoke a little in the meeting without having to be coerced. The clothes brought confidence, security in himself that gave him the ability to feel like the Daveed everyone knew. The clothes were an outlet of expression that spoke for him even when his words failed. His mind was clearer, light was peeking through the dark tunnel of depression, and it was all because of the woman down the hallway.

He walked out of the office to see the illuminated frame of their room. She kept to her words and was sitting on the bed. Daveed walked into their room and flashed a grin that Emmy hadn't seen in forever. From the way he walked in, Emmy could sense the shift. He wasn't drained and falling into the bed. He had energy and liveliness, and she was so proud of him.

"How'd it go?" she looked up smiling.

"Better than ever," he smiled and walked over to hug her.

"I'm so proud of you, D," she wrapped her arms around his neck and sat up on her knees.

"I couldn't have done it without you," he said as he pressed his lips to hers, "I am so in love with you, you're incredible."

Emmy was hands down the best part of his life. She never left his side through the good and the bad. He had never seen someone who cared so deeply not only for him but for others as well. She was always there as a shoulder to lean on and she was his light in the darkness. She encompassed all the good things in his life and he couldn't be more grateful for her. When he was lost at sea, she was his lighthouse guiding him home. She was the love of his life, his light, and he never wanted to let her go.