Gone Girl

Chapter 63

I enter the cemetery and I search for my father's grave. This is the first time I visit him and I'm trying hard to hold it in.

I finally find it and I cover my mouth with my hands, my eyebrows pull into a frown.

He is there now... he will never be here with me again.

I kneel near the grave and I place the flowers as gently as I can, to not disturb him.

I look around and I hate cemeteries, I hate this place. I always refused to go to this place but I have to do it for him. I can't pretend that it didn't happen.

I've been doing this for the longest, every time I thought about him I'd ignore the thought and drink, but now I don't have alcohol anymore and there is nothing that can distract me from reality.

Truth hurts.

I stop trying and I give in. The waterfall in my eyes finally bursts out and I sob uncontrollably.

"Please- Please dad, forgive me-" I say through whimpers and I put my hand on the grave.

I can't believe he is there. It's not true. It can't be.

My life is a nightmare all along, I can't take it anymore.

Why didn't I die when I overdosed? This would have been so much easier. My place isn't here.

I should be with my father.

I put my elbows on the grave and I put my head between them as I continue crying.

"Dad... you have no idea how much I wish you were here with me- to hug me and tell me it will all be alright."

"I want you to tell me that one day I will be h- happy and I will learn to live with what happened to me." I gasp for air as I try to stop my sobs so I can speak clearly.

"I want- need you here. I need you here so much that it's killing me. You didn't deserve this."

"Now you won't attend my graduation... you will never see me happy again, the last time you saw me I was a mess. You won't even meet Derek, you won't attend my marriage. You will never play with my future children. Nothing of this will ever happen."

"And- and it- pains me so much that the last time I hugged you was one year before you died. I never told you how much I care about you. I never appreciated you. I'm a horrible person. This is why I should be up there, not you."

"Not you..." I brush away my tears and I lay next to his grave.

"I will never forgive myself for doing this to you..."

"But- the worst thing is that you will never know why I acted that way. You will never know that someone stole a very valuable piece from me, my innocence."

"The idea of telling someone what happened to me is terrifying, I would never do it. I don't think I could but I wish you knew, but at the same time I don't."

"Because you don't deserve to remember me this way... you don't have to know about that monster."

I sit in silence for a while as I stare at the bright sky that seems way too gray in my eyes.

"I just... wish you could understand why I was like this, and maybe forgive me, even though it's probably too much to ask for."

"I love you, dad."