Gone Girl

Chapter 31

"I'm Nicole, please open the door," Nicole pleads and after a couple of seconds, I decide to open it.

"What happened?!" She puts a hand on my shoulder and I wipe away my tears, but more threatening to roll down my cheeks.

"Did everyone notice?" I ask hesitantly. Maybe I care too much what others think about me, I want to keep this tough facade on but I can't.

"Yeah... they just joked that you are jealous of Olivia," she says and I just want to sob harder, not because I care about Olivia, I don't give a shit about her. I always knew what kind of person she is, but because I truly lost Derek, and it's all my fault.

"What happened, Ronnie?" she repeats herself while caressing my back which reminds me of Derek.

I need to talk it out, I need to, so I force myself to say what I have on my mind.

"I think- I think I feel something for Derek," I say, pulling her in for a hug, something that hasn't happened in ages and she seems pleasantly surprised.

"Derek?" She hesitates but wraps her arms tighter around me while I cry on her shoulder.

"I don't want to feel like this, please, help me," I beg for her help for the first time in ages.

"Derek is a good person, I saw how he took care of you. Why can't you just tell him?" she asks confused, and that's when I realize I can't tell her. I opened myself to a certain point but I can't tell her everything.

"I had sex with Alexander and Derek saw us, then he came back and I told him I don't care about him and never did," I admit, guilty and ashamed of my actions and the shocked look on her face says more than I'd like to admit.

Before that morning I was a virgin, and that's all she knew, I valued sex and I thought it was the biggest connection two humans can have, now I look at it like it's something disgusting, something that helps you get your mind off other worse things.

"Why did you do all of this?" Nicole asks with a slight judgment behind her words which breaks my heart. I can't even explain why. I know why I lied to Derek but I don't know why I slept with Alexander, I was way too high.

"I'm not judging you- I'm just trying to understand how to help you," she reassures me and I nod.

After a long uncomfortable pause, she tries to say something.

"I care about you so much, Veronica. I want to help you. Please." She hugs me again and I don't dodge it. It's nice to finally let someone hug me without wincing but I know it's only because of the alcohol I had.

"It doesn't matter why. I just won't stop feeling the way I do," I reply bluntly and I know that the reasons matter, but I won't tell her.

If I were to tell Derek I like him, would it change anything for me? I'm broken, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep, I do coke so often that I might just overdose one day and that doesn't scare me at all, I wish I'd just die.

Does he deserve someone like me? I can't be touched, I don't open up. Are we supposed to be together only when I'm so drunk I can't remember him the next day?

I can't trust anyone, I can't bear any more heartbreak, or I might just end it all, I need to be alone. Knowing also that my rapist is roaming around freely and might come after me...

I feel gross, worthless, I don't deserve love or trust.

I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt myself.

While the time we spent together is not a lot, he's been there for me every single time, he saved me from dangerous situations that I caused, he understood and never judged me, he gave me space. He made me feel safe and how I never felt before.