Gone Girl

Chapter 17

I hate myself.

I agreed to go to a party... again. But Dominic "lured" me with coke, he knew I'd accept if he offered me that over joints.

I've been smoking weed since Dominic gave me some at his apartment. Trying to limit my intake so I can smoke a bit every day.

I usually did it late at night near my window, my parents never smelled anything weird.

At least now they give me more freedom.

School is starting again this Monday, I convinced them to not homeschool me, I said that I would get worse without socializing.

I have been acting nicer with them at home, so they wouldn't suspect anything.

It worked, they believed every bullshit I told them.

My parents think today I'm going to that cousin again, that she is a nice girl and we got close fast.

I haven't fucked any other stranger since last week, I had a bit of regret the next day. Looking back to what kind of person I used to be and how I am now.

But as I said, I'd do it again.

I'm wearing a black tight dress and I constantly have to pull it down when I move. Lately, my clothes have been all dark but it suits me.

I look in the mirror and I still can't believe that's how I look and act now. My heavy dark eyeliner emphasizes my blue eyes, but it also gives me an edgy look.

I'm still thin with no curves, I don't eat much, I never seem to have an appetite. Especially since I get drunk easier when my stomach is empty, the euphoria from weed feels better as well. The only time I eat is when I get the munchies.

I suddenly hear the distant car honk and I rush downstairs.

As soon as I step outside I realize it's not his car, it's Derek's car. Maybe Dom is driving his car?

I slowly walk towards the car, but before I get there the person inside opens the door.

"Why are you walking in slow motion?" Derek yells.

Oh, it's him. Why is my heart racing?

I walk faster and he tries to open the door for me. What a gentleman, but no, thank you.

I stop him before he does.

"We aren't going on a date," I say bluntly.

"Too bad," he mutters. Weird.

He drives so damn slow. We have a party to attend and he can't drive faster?

Correction, I'm only going for the coke.

"I heard you hit your head and you were hospitalized for a week. How are you now?" he takes the eyes off-road and questions me.

"Why do you care?"

He doesn't reply. He looks nervous. Is Derek nervous? That's a new one.

This is so awkward. Why couldn't Dominic give me a ride?

I look out of the window, thinking about what I did that night at the hotel... with a stranger.

I feel so guilty, but am I really good for anything else? My excuse is that I took back the control by actually consenting. I feel guilty it wasn't someone who cares about me as much as I care about them.

But I could never imagine having sex with someone I love while sober. They would see me the way I see myself. A disgusting piece of shit.

I consented to sex.