bitch where? - the 100 group chat

twenty-seven - wells angst becuase i am sad

(this will be written in first person- wells first person)

!! tw: alcohol use, trauma, abuse, ptsd !!

I felt my feet scrap across the shitty wood of my apartment.

My vision blurred as I moved into my room.

I was too intoxicated to do anything but lay in bed, so that's what I did.

I tried to retrace how my night began.

I know for a fact it has something to do with today's date.

Valentines Day.

Such a misconceived day.

You're either happy with a date or sad alone.

But neither of those specifically described me.

I don't have a date.

I am, alone.

I am very alone for that matter.

I always have.

I don't know if they'll ever be a day when I don't feel the deep dark abyss of loneliness slowly sucking away at the bare remains of my happiness.

(why did i wake up and chose angst)

I felt the breath leave my lungs as I sighed.

Happiness was something I need to achieve.

It's possible I know it.

I've done it before.

I was happy.

I remember.

I remember every moment of it.

And then she.

Her.

It.

My step-mother.

Kate was her name.

I remember her so well.

I don't want to but I do.

About a week after Valentines Day a few years ago was when she died.

It was when I felt a sense of happiness and freedom.

Such a rare experience.

It faded away as the trauma swallowed me.

And then I went back to Clarke.

I winced a little at the memory of finally seeing her again.

She was pissed, of course.

Clarke had every right to be pissed.

I moved my position from laying on my back and laid on my side.

I also pushed my shoes off.

I traced my finger across the scar on my stomach.

When did Valentines Day even start?

When two people fell in love and thought that everyone else was just as happy as them, so they decided to make it a holiday?

What if someone's too damaged to love?

What if they don't want to bother someone with their mental health issues?

What if they're scared of getting into relationships because of past traumas?

I felt warm tears drip down my face.

The teardrops soaked into my pale blue bedsheets.

I can't wait to be out of this sea of depression.

I can't wait to feel that sensation of freedom again I felt all those years ago.

I will await for that moment.

I can't wait to fulfill my dreams and prove Kate wrong.

Maybe then life will be better.

I won't have the constant anxiety that people hate me, that everyone hates me, that Clarke hates me.

There will be a day that I will be fine again.

That I can say I'm okay and actually mean it.

And actually feel okay.

Everything comes to an end eventually.

And that goes for the bad things to.

I will only figure that out if I persevere and push through.

Then I will feel happy again.

You can always achieve happiness.

Always.

TOUGH TIME NEVER LAST- ONLY TOUGH PPL LAST ❤️

okay i hope you enjoyed this angsty chapter hehe

k bye, ghosts <3