My Journal

february 18th 2021

Right now it is 11:51 PM, I'm laying in bed just typing away right now. I have been reading a lot on Pinterest and I kinda just want to write about how I feel right now. So let me begin

So I lie, I lie a lot. I tell everyone I am fine just so they don't worry about me. I have never told any of my family how I truly actually feel. But they don't have to know, maybe it is better that way. Them not knowing.

At least I can pretend I'm okay. I like helping people, but not myself. I would do anything just to make someone's day. I care way too much about other people and not myself.

Whenever I cry I feel like I am broken into a million pieces about to go down. My life is going downhill most of the time. I just feel like I am stuck and can't get back up.

The other day I had this dream about my ex from a few years ago and I don't know if I still have feelings for him. I mean yeah he for sure moved on, heck the guy has a kid now. But I truly don't know if I'm fully over him.

I have had two boyfriends. One online and one in real life. Whenever I cry I feel like some of it is because I miss someone. But I really can't think of who. But I do think about my last ex a lot, the online one.

But like he would take me back anytime. It's just he was really controlling and stuff. Like I fully need him out of my life to actually love myself again but there's too much he knows to actually fully leave.

Whenever I was in the relationship with him, I just really felt loved but it wasn't okay because well he controlled me. It just wasn't write. I didn't think about the right and wrong.

Whenever  something first happened I should of just left him and just go on with my life. But I didn't, my stupid self didn't do that. Actually I did the complete opposite.

I fell in love with the dude, which was the worse mistake of my life. I really thought someone loved me for me. But really he just cared about the pictures.

He truly didn't love me. And to this day he says he still loves me. Which is not possible. The first month of the relationship online it was all fine, we were happy. Both of us, and I just fell in love with his voice. And just everything.

But to get more into depth, the months after that if where everything went downhill. I'm not even joking. I was so in love with him I couldn't realize how much pain he actually put me through.

The second and third month was the month where I started crying everything single night through that relationship. And keep in mind our relationship last 9 months.

He literally cheated on me like 5 or 6 times or even more with the same exact girl. Like how did I not recognize what was happening. I really hate thinking about this guy but I really just needed to get this out of me today.

So here it is. More into the relationship he got in contact with my family and I don't want to say everything. Even know, no one I know is gonna read this.

I just want to say being with him kind of taught me a lesson. To stop trusting people you just meet.

Well that is all I have it say today, I hope you're having an amazing night who ever is reading this. I finished this at 12:15 AM. Anyways goodnight.. (: