My Journal

april 30th 2021

I wrote this a few days ago for a school assignment. I wanted to share.

Dear Diary,
I have so much to tell you... So much has happened since the last time I just sat down and started writing down what I feel. There are so many stories I haven't really shared with you. My life felt like a mess. And in that mess, I lost myself.

There, I finally said it. I honestly feel like I have lost myself this year.

I didn't realize it at first, or at least I tried my best to ignore it as much as possible. I kept telling myself that everything was still the same, that nothing had changed and I had everything under control. I was desperately trying to stay in the old swing of things, my old balance. It was all a big, big lie. With all the things that happened, it was just impossible for me to stay the same. Even when I stopped thinking about these past experiences, their imprint on my mind would not go away. I carried them around like they were tattooed onto my skin. Slowly they were molding me into somebody else, despite the fact I was still holding on to the old picture of me. Of course, there were always those certain moments that made me walk down memory lane and relive everything that happened. Nevertheless, I still thought that everything would go back to normal if I would just keep going. 'Just keep moving forward, do not give up,' was something I would always say to myself. In a way, this was the case indeed.  And if there is one thing I am certain of, it's that no moment in my life felt like the right one. I know what you're thinking. 'C'mon, she is probably overreacting. She seems so organized and in control of her life, that can't be true. In a way, you are right. My life isn't a complete mess. I had some amazing things happen to me this year and I definitely feel fortunate. I got good grades. I'm not saying things aren't great. However, this was only part of my life. The other part was constantly swifting, changing into a different direction and I just couldn't keep up.

You should know some more things about me before I go more about how I feel. I usually don't talk about this topic, but it's important to speak up about it once and for all. It's not like I didn't expect people to have opinions about me. It's also not like I have never been through where others are judging me before either. I have always been one of those people that could never fit into the crowd. Sort of in a way, I didn't even want to fit in with others. I just never understood the 'point' of being like others. Having that opinion caused some people to have some opinions about me. What people say about me, positive or negative, is not the point. It is all up to me, and I live by that. It is something I always lived by. The amount of things people can say about you is so openly, it is something you can never be prepared for. Although I am rather confident about myself, and I don't let other people tell me what to do, there are always those days where they can take you down. Because sometimes, it's just too much when it all comes back on you.

Me thinking now and just saying to myself how 'change is good' and it is one of those things you will hear multiple times in your life, probably from all kinds of different people. I never thought change was good but now I realize that I was wrong. Change is amazing, and that's a good thing. Without these changes, I would never have learned so much, and I would definitely never be in the same place I am today. And although I wish that some of these changes may have happened differently. I survived it all in the end. And it made me a stronger person than ever before.