Written for the Event

10. A Mother's Love

I used to think that a mothers love was the strongest thing that was gifted in peoples hearts, to love and be loved. And to some degree I was right when I used to believe that, there is nothing as strong as, devastating, more powerful of a manipulative tool than a mothers love.

I used to believe that love was just giving, giving someone everything endlessly and in return you get a smile, kindness and the warmth in your heart knowing you were loved too. But this love has been cursed me in my life has filling as the vacuums of space itself, never filled and nothing is ever enough.

My childhood has been stolen from me with such early expectations that everything I did had to build up to my collage resume. I was told, taught and forced out of friends because to the standard since I could remember, it wouldnt do anything for my collage resume in the future. I sacrificed everything to work, dedicate and give all I can but that was never enough. Ive lost several babies of mine; one white with long ears and black spots, one with a fluffy long tail and white tipped paws, one with a wagging tail whom I loved since the day I helped delivered him. But they werent good enough to the person I looked up to, all discarded without a sign of remorse.

Ive lost friends along the way in ways so unreversible, I pray they check on me and watch down on me from heaven from time to time. But according to that childhood standard they arent supposed to mean anything to me, the suicide letter I watched get ripped up in front of me I never got the chance to read is supposed to mean nothing. My friend and companion in this journey of life to find our love while experiencing life was ripped away from me by the tides.

What means something to her is cheap thrills. The sickly high a person can get off on from demeaning people, telling them to get on their hands and feet and beg that youre sorry for standing up for yourself. This toxic obsession of feeling like you mean something above anyone else because you threw the first punch, the first shove, to keep going till one is bruised. This sinly vomit to try and kill a defenseless animal because the trauma is what she believes someone else deserves. The cheep thrill of spitting down at people and choosing to force someone else to bend and break for whatever she wants. Thats the only thing filling enough for her, but it never lasts. No better than a junkie living high off of her remorseless actions in the sake of Love. Because she loves is why I have to keep my head low, restrict access from my own information and to learn to never be in control of my own life. That I must do as Im told by whoever is to tell me, that my opinion never mattered to begin with and needs to die out. Just be a puppet for everyone else to pull the strings of until legally bound to someone with lots of money and influence that can then tell me what to do and maybe I can then make my own decisions. That is her love, her goal her desire.

If thats truly a mothers love then Ill resign my chance to ever become one myself. This disgusting mothers love