University Days: Season Two

Second-Guessing

Emily

"I'm not in love with Brandon!! I hate his guts! That moment-- was... it was nothing. I don't love him anymore."

I was trying to say everything and anything. That panicked look, the tears, the hurt in his face was burning my heart.

Running his hands through his hair stressfully, Calvin expressed through a breaking voice, "Then why did you kiss him?! Why do you look so tortured every time we pass Shelby and Brandon together, like- like you're stuck in this relationship? If you want to be with him, if you can't love me like I love you-"

"I JUST SAID I WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM!!" I yelled, but saw that it only made him cry harder. I tried to soften her expression, but loosening myself only allowed more tears to run.

"I don't know- I know he's crazy. He's the one that kissed me, and I- I..." I blabbed on, but couldn't meet his eyes as I spoke.

Calvin waited through the pause, searching my eyes for some kind of answer.

My mouth ran dry, as I scrambled to find some kind of response that could save our relationship. Our eyes finally met, I could tell he felt just as lost and scared.

I watched his face fall as the silence stretched. I'd never seen him so broken before, and it was all my fault. With the two of us having broken down in tears, trying to find the right words seemed impossible.

"We should take a break, Em..." Calvin faltered, beginning to make his way out of the hall.

Nothing I said seemed to work, and time was running out. I was losing him.

"Calvin- I..." I sputtered, my eyes widening in horror. "How can I fix this?! I don't know-" 

Seeing him continue walking, I didn't know what else to do. I cried out, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!"

Don't leave, I wanted to plead. Once he left, we were officially on bad terms. There were no more surprise hugs, no more kiss attacks, no more day-long video-chats.

Calvin Waterman would be my ex-boyfriend.

I reached up, yearning to grab his arm and pull it back to me. I weakly squeezed my hand into an empty fist, shakily lowering it back to my side.

He stopped walking, and just for a second, butterflies of hope fluttered in my chest. If he didn't leave, I could change his mind. I could explain it away, as long as we didn't leave like this. What could I say?

"I need you to figure out what you want. I can't do this with you, knowing you're second-guessing something I thought we... we both chose. You have time now to figure it out."

I felt my lower lip quiver as I choked back tears and the pleading I wanted to release desperately.

He stood for a moment, our eyes locked with the same uncertainty and fear of what was to come without each other. He uncrossed his arms, almost as if he lifted them to comfort me in an instinctual manner, but he stopped himself. 

My heart shattered. I couldn't avert my eyes, couldn't turn away. I was shattered. I was frozen, stuck in this moment. I couldn't run forward to pull him in my arms, couldn't run away from him.

But he started moving. Looking back at me one last time, he turned back around and continued walking away from me.

Hearing his sob softly echo back to me, I couldn't stop my own tears from spilling down my cheeks. 

Finally, my legs caught up with me. I couldn't watch him walk away anymore, but chasing was futile. Unless the right words came to me, there was nothing I could do. I spun around and ran straight back into my dorm, desperate to escape the sounds that suffocated my heart.

This couldn't be over. Things couldn't really be over between us for good.

How could I have changed so much? I remembered how badly my heart was hurt by Brandon when he cheated on me, and now I'd done the same.

All that talk of how horrible and manipulative he was, and it turned out I was just the same monster he was.