𝐆𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐔𝐒 , 𝐋𝐔𝐊𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍

𝟝 , used to be

~ used to be - matt nathanson ~
i find it interesting that i haven't made a name yet?
any ideas??

♥ ♫ ♥ ♫ ♥

the forty year old flipped through his old songbook, trying not to let the flood of memories overwhelm him.

bobbie did this every year. on the anniversary of your death, he'd go through all your old things. the clothes you'd left behind at his house, the songs you'd helped write back in 1995, pictures of him and the band, everything.

his fingers came upon an old song, marked the year 2000. his lips formed a frown as he read the words USED TO BE on the top of the page. he remembered this song, but it wasn't one you had wrote. it was one he had. probably the only one, he never had a knack for it before. it was one he could never bring himself to finish, let alone produce.

'dedicated to my bestest friend, rest in peace <3' he had written years ago, and could still see how the first d had faded due to tears that had fell on the paper that day.

he smiled slightly as he read over the scribbled words.

"Still got the same old number
Still drive the car you hate
Still leave the backdoor open
Still wrestle with my fate
Maybe I'm deep down hoping you'll come back to yell at me
Like you used to do
You were right
I'm just a stubborn fool who's living in the past"

bobbie was reminiscing on the times you were with him, the girl who hadn't left him that awful night when all his friends did. the only person who was truly there for him.

he missed how you would get mad at him for keeping his old bmw that barely passed inspection. how you'd yell at him for getting into another accident because the brakes failed or the worn tires lost traction. 'i cant lose you too' you would say through tears, and he'd immediately feel guilty afterwards. and now, it had killed you, and nothing was going to rid him of that guilt.

he missed the nights you'd come over late at night, needing to talk or cry. the first night it happened you snuck in through his back door. he had always left it unlocked after that just in case you needed him, which was many nights in the next two years. and even to this day, he still couldn't bring himself to lock it. he seemed to think about the past a lot lately, and he knew what you would say.
the past is the past. let it be.
but he just couldn't. he just couldn't let you be.

"When we were young and we were free
And all your friends were friends with me
Swimming in our clothes
When the beach was closed midnight on New Year's Eve"

of course you both had the same friends, it was always just the band, and you. and the nights where you'd go to reggies beach house on new year's eve, swimming in the ocean just as the ball dropped. he missed those nights more than ever. he missed his boys.

"And if you're having trouble baby, holding on to memories
I've got a king sized bed, and a PHD in the way it used to be
I've got a king sized bed, and a PHD in the way it used to be"

the boy had been thinking so much about the past lately, you'd think he had a degree in it. enough where, if you were to just come back to him, he would act as if everything was the way it used to be. he wouldn't ask questions or take your presence for granted like he used to, he just needed you. he needed you to sort out his feelings like how you used to, and make it all make sense. tell him he was going to be ok without them, but now he was without you too.

25 years later, and he still begged the universe for you to come back to him. for all of them to come back to him. for ways to just be how they used to be.

but, the man, knowing the truth, just sighed as he looked over his words and shut the notebook.

luke and that very girl, you see, sat next to bobbie, just watching. needing to see their friend again, they had poofed in just minutes ago to find him solely focused on his songbook. they hadn't known he still wrote in it, and peered over his shoulder as he read. they read the words as he had, cried and laughed at the same parts he did. and, in a way, it felt like they were all there together. for once, they were together again.

the girl silently wished bobbie could feel the way she did right now. like she finally had some clarity, some purpose to the pain. she had helped bobbie more than she ever knew, and didn't blame him at all for her death. she wished there was a way she could tell him that.

and luke had smiled at the memory of those midnight swims. luke pulling alex into the water fully clothed and reggie diving head first just at the stroke of midnight. the crew would scream 'happy new year!' all at once and splash each other for hours. the beach was closed, but they never cared. they were just together.

luke looked over at his girl, a single tear rolling down her face. he knew the pain she was in. he hated that there was nothing he could do, hated that bobbie had to go through another loss. hated that she had gone through it as well. but, like the strong girl he knew she was, she would get through it. and luke vowed to himself to be there every step of the way.

and now, all bobbie had was pain. he needed her to keep him stable back then, maybe then he wouldn't of stole all of their songs for his own. he regretted that now, knowing it was wrong of him. but he didn't know what else to do, he had no one to tell him. and if he were to just listen to you back then, and get a new car, you might still be with him today. and things would be different. he pushed the book away, sniffling for the last time, and stood up.

luke comforted the girl as she cried, and the teens sat there for a while. appreciating each other's company as much as they could.

they knew it shouldn't be taken for granted.

"i can't believe i did this to him." the girl whispered in lukes chest, and he tightened his grasp on her.

he hated seeing her like this. feeling the same way he had towards her, he wouldn't of wished that on anyone. he opened his mouth to say a million things. to say that it wasn't her fault, that it would be okay, that she would be okay. that they could get through the mutual grief together.

but a creak in the floor made both of the teens head rise, and their eyes soon met with bobbies. he had spun around, and his gaze seemed to fall perfectly to hers.

her heart stopped, and luke let out a shaky breath.

"hello?"