Imperfect Fear

Five

When I wake up, for a moment I panic because Reese isn't in her bed. Then I see her hunched over the sink in the bathroom and relax. I slide out of bed and look at the clock. It's eight thirty four.

I told Elyria and Tyran that seeing as we trained late yesterday we could have a break this morning so I don't have to be at the training room until nine thirty.

I look back at Reese who is coughing violently and frown.

"Are you okay?" I ask, although the moment it comes out of my mouth I realize how ridiculous it is. She shakes her head.

"Side effects. It messes with my lungs." She says, then coughs.

"Does it hurt?" I ask. She turns and frowns, raising an eyebrow.

"What, the coughing or taking the actual drug?"

I shrug. "I don't know. Either."

She moves away from the sink and sits on her bed, opposite me. "Well, taking it doesn't hurt. You just mix it with water and drink. It's bitter, but I don't think it matters. The high is weird. Everything is either brighter or darker, depending on how much I take. My moods go crazy. It hurts me mentally but physically? No."

I examine her. She looks like the regular Reese, and that's what is scary. It makes me wonder how often it had happened and I didn't know. How many times I had looked at her and talked to her while she'd been craving, or had actually taken it.

It makes me feel bad but I don't look away. Our eyes meet and I see how much pain she must be in. Not physically, but like she said. Mentally.

"How do you get it?" I ask. "It wouldn't come cheap."

She shakes her head. "No, you're right. The price, other than your sanity, is your reputation."

She looks away and just the guilt on her face makes me see.

"You mean... all those nights with those boys..." I ask, another trait about Reese finally making sense.

She nods. "Dealers. It's the way they pay me for my pleasure. Tyran isn't one but..." I see her eyes brimming with tears.

I open my mouth to say something else, but before I can she looks away and I realize she is sobbing.

"Oh Reese... Sit down. It's okay. Come on. You're fine. Nothing's wrong." I say soothingly. I know I'd repeated myself so many times already but it was true. She was okay.

She shakes her head. "No it isn't Maedana! Stop it! Stop it now! It isn't okay. I'm not okay. Nothing is fine and almost everything is wrong because of me. Oh sh*t Maedana. I'm a mess. I don't even know why I do it anymore." Her eyes are full of distress.

I frown, concerned. "Drugs are addictive Reese. It isn't your fault-"

She cuts me off. "I'm not talking about the f*cking drugs! I'm talking about the reason I took them in the first place. The reason I have this and the reason I'm sitting in this room, talking to you, a girl who has been forced to become an adult too quickly and has dealt with realities most haven't even touched." Her voice is a mix of emotions. Sadness. Anger. Self hatred. Every word she says makes me more confused but it is all true. She finally sits down and for a moment, she seems defeated. She isn't crying or ranting or looks like she's doing anything. She is just hunched over, like she is done. She isn't doing it any more.

I place a comforting hand on her knee. "Reese, whatever you think, it's not as bad as it seems. Sure, being a black is hard but-"

She shakes her head and mutters no softly, then louder so I stop talking. She looks at me with a pained expression. "It's not about being a black. That's not why I started the drugs."