Imperfect Fear

Thirteen

My painkillers don't come back on until after midnight, and only because of the fact the nurses think I might have a heart attack if it goes on for any longer. Slowly, the pain ebbs away and from exhaustion, I drop into sleep.

I don't dream, and when I wake up it's early in the morning. I can't get back to sleep so I find myself thinking. Avoiding the subject of Reese, I try to piece together the confusion of the past. Was the memory I had real? If Aril really did bury my memories of outside when I returned to the complex, why were they rising back now? I try to think back to the first memory I had, but I can't pinpoint it.

It started with Calix, I  think. He changed something inside of me, like a shock to the brain.  Before him, I forgot. But now I remember.

Some of it, that is. I  remember meetings. Stern officers everywhere. P and his friends. I fondly remember an old woman, and a pet goat she brought with her  everywhere. I remember travelling, but I don't remember big details. I  don't recall conversations or events. Why there were so many  soldier-like people or what the meetings were about. What was going on is a mystery.

If Aril suppressed all of my memories of outside, why did she do it?

Was it because outside was beautiful and she wanted me to think it wasn't?

Or was something being hidden from me? Something Aril didn't want anyone to know about.

Aril is smart now, and  she was back then too. She wouldn't have made me forget just to suffer. I  could be tortured for that effect. It also wasn't just for guilt,  because she could have made me feel bad without suppressing my memories. 

It all happened because of the Mckenzie method, but Aril didn't use it for those reasons.

Or maybe she did. Maybe  I'm totally wrong. Something tells me I'm not though. There's a weird  feeling in the pit if my stomach that Aril is hiding something from me. I  want to know.

At 6:00 am, the doctors and nurses come through and run some tests on me. When they leave, a woman comes in with my breakfast.

I don't eat much. I'm not hungry.

It's half past eight by the time Aril turns up. She's calmer this morning, but still agitated.

I am quiet as she walks  to my bed and looks me up and down. The doctors put me on some stronger  medication earlier so I feel a bit vague and drowsy. When she has taken  in my appearance, to my surprise, Aril pulls up a chair and sits beside  me. I stare at her, trying to figure out what she's thinking, and she  stares back, not giving away anything in her expression. Finally, she  speaks.

"Maedana, do you know where the file is?" She asks calmly and I shake my head.

"I have no idea. Please don't hurt me again." I say in a pleading tone.

Aril purses her lips but does not move. She seems to be sizing me up. After a moment she speaks again.

"I expect that you've been thinking a fair bit about what Reese told you, haven't you."

I  nod and Aril shakes her head. "I thought so. It would be so much easier  for both of us if I told you that it was all false and Reese was just  lying in that letter, but I know that you won't believe me. You're  smarter than that."

Internally, I agree, but I don't say anything.

Aril sighs. "So instead of lying, I'm going to tell you more."

She takes a deep breath and I frown. It seems like she has dropped the problem with the file entirely. A part of me hopes its because she believes I don't have it, but its more likely she just wants to wait for the right time to ask again. With a calm face, she looks at me and starts talking.