Imperfect Fear

Ten

As I put the letter down with shaking hands, thoughts whip through my head like they're in a cyclone.

Reese was a spy.

No.

Reese lied.

It isn't true.

Reese killed Calix.

No. No. No. This is wrong. This whole letter is wrong. No. It was just some cruel joke. Reese wasn't a spy. She didn't kill Calix. She wasn't suicidal. She wasn't in league with Aril. No. It was all false.

I knew Reese. She would tell me about something like this. She wouldn't just keep it secret.

She kept the drugs secret, a voice in my head whispers.

But that was different. Wasn't it? No. It wasn't. Reese hid the drugs because she thought she could fix it herself. She wouldn't have gone for help about this. She would have tried to get through the problem on her own.

I feel a scream build in my throat. Despite how much I wish I could believe that this whole letter is a joke, all the facts are here, and I know that it's true.

Everything in the letter is true.

"No." I mutter, shaking my head. Then I say it louder, almost like I'm reassuring myself. "No!"

Reese didn't kill Calix. She wouldn't do that.

You were completely wrong about her, I think to myself.

No! I knew Reese. She wouldn't! She didn't!

Calix is dead because of her.

The air seems to be getting thicker and I'm struggling to breathe. I feel like I'm trapped in a box.

She was just pretending all along.

No. Reese didn't lie.

It was all just an act.

I need to get out of here. Away from these thoughts. I need to get rid of the sick feeling rising in my stomach. I need to find Reese and get things straight.

Reese killed herself.

That stops me dead in my tracks. The sick feeling in my stomach rises to my mouth and I struggle to get to the bathroom.

I get to the small dark cubicle attatched to our room and the moment I'm close enough, I vomit into the toilet.

I don't know what was in my stomach that I could actually hurl out, but it's all gone now. When it's all gone, I fall back against the wall and start sobbing.

It's all true. I know it's all true. Everything she wrote in the letter. She was a complex spy. She had only been friends with me to get more information for Aril. She stabbed Calix.

Then she shot herself.

Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I ever pick up on any of it? How could I not have known?

I can't handle it all. I need to scream. I need to cry. I need to get rid of all this. I wish I could go back to the way it was before any of this. Before I found out about Reese's drugs. Maybe before Calix died. Or before I even met Calix, and I was happy being a black.

Happy being a black?

No black is ever happy. Happiness is for the stable mind. The stable life. We are all unstable. We don't deserve happiness. Maybe that's why mine keeps being ripped away from me.

No. That isn't true. I know that the reason my happiness is ripped away from me is because of woman only. The same woman that ordered Reese to kill Calix.