CROWS - KAGEHINA MUSIC AU

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HEY BESTIES I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT POSTING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME. I REALLY HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS CHAPTER AND I PROMISE I'M GOING TO TRY TO BE MORE CONSISTENT <3 TY FOR READING

-molly :)

HINATA

I don't want to forgive him. I don't. Seriously. 

But...

No. I can't forgive him.

KAGEYAMA

I don't know what's been going on with me lately. 

I fucked up. A lot.

And I'm trying to fix it. 

But how am I actually going to?

I mean, shit. I came all the way over here, and Hinata, even after all the crap I said to him yesterday, even though he could have just slammed the door in my face without a word (rightfully so), he brought me inside.

...Now that I think about it, I didn't give him much of a choice.

It was fucking cold out. 

And now that I'm here, in his house, in his room, I have no idea what to say.

God, I'm such an idiot.

Hinata looks at me with such an intense look in his eyes. I know he hates me right now. But he's staring at me like I'm some puzzle he needs to solve. Like he's searching for an answer that only I can give.

Oh. Right. An answer.

Trying to find the right words to say, I open my mouth. 

I want to say something along the lines of, "I'm dumb and I'm sorry", but an emphasis on "I'm sorry.".

..And on "I'm dumb." Though--Due to recent events--I'm sure that's something he's already been made aware of.

Instead, I'm silent.

I need to talk to him. I need to tell him how much he means to me, to the rest of the band.  I need to tell him that it was just a misunderstanding, that I was quick to judge before he could explain himself, that I just didn't want to be let down in the way that I have been in the past. I need to tell him that that's the reason why I acted like a fucking coward and hurt him in the process.

But what I need to tell him the most, is that: 

I'm. 

So. 

Fucking. 

Sorry. 

I close my mouth.

Hinata looks at me disappointedly.

I hate it. I hate that I keep disappointing him. 

He looks away, shakes his head, then gets up and walks out of the room.

This...This isn't how I wanted this to go. 

Damn it.

I should just go.

I'm about to, but before I stand up, Hinata walks back in holding a couple of...Blankets?

I stand up. He doesn't give me an explanation or anything, he just lays the blankets out onto the floor.

Once he's done he walks up to me.

"Take off your shoes."

...What?

"Hinata..."

"Come on. Take them off." I want to say something in protest, I want to tell him that I should just leave before I hurt him, disappoint him again. But he rushes out of his room again.

I take off my shoes and place them in the corner. 

Hinata walks back towards the room but this time, he doesn't enter. He just stands in the doorframe, his arms crossed, staring at me. 

He pauses, looking me up and down again with his eyes narrowed. I can tell he's mad at me, but his expression doesn't look as bitter as before. It's softer, and it surprises me that I wish it weren't.

I think it's because I don't want him to stop hating me. Before he does any of that, I want him to know how sorry I am. And yet, for some stupid reason, I can't get the words out. 

That's how it always is, how it's always been. I can never tell people how I really feel. 

I start to speak. "I--" 

But before I can say anything else, Hinata stops me.

"Did you eat?"

"...No. I...I came right from school."

"Come on. We just finished dinner, but we have some leftovers. I'll heat up a plate."

"Hinata--"

"Don't. Just...Come on."

He walks out the door, and I have no choice but to follow.

Hinata hands me a plate of food and I begin to eat.

We sit in silence.

I can see him watching me in the corner of my eye, but I pretend not to notice.

A lot of time has passed with neither of us saying anything. Too much time has passed.

Now I'm laying on the floor, about to sleep over at the home of a boy whose heart I broke in two, and I haven't even done or said anything to fix it.

Hinata is about to shut the lights off when I sit up. He hesitates, meets my gaze, then shuts them off anyway.

I stare at the dark ceiling for what seems like hours when I hear his quiet voice from the other side of the room.

"What you said to me that day...It really hurt me."

"...I know."

Silence.

Then I speak.

"I wish I could say that those words weren't what I meant to say."

Please don't mess this up, Tobio.

Please.

"But you and I both know, at that moment...I meant it. That's what I meant, and what I thought. At the time, I was angry. Sensitive. Scared. I've been fucked over before, and...I thought it was going to happen again."

I got defensive, and the shit I said...No one deserves that, Hinata. Especially not you. I know how much you care. I knew it, even then, and yet I..."

I pause.

"I'm sorry. I'm...really sorry."

More silence.

I think to myself that maybe he's fallen asleep, that maybe I said all of that for nothing until I hear his voice again.

"I know you're sorry. You wouldn't have come here if you weren't sorry."

Then the room is silent again. He doesn't say another word.

I stay up all night, just wondering.

Wondering if there's something else I could've said to make him understand.

Wondering if we're okay now.