Muse [h.s.]

13. explain

🎵You're All I Want — Cigarettes After Sex

Ella's POV

My mind felt like it was on overdrive as I sped down the streets, making my way back to my apartment. Thoughts whizzed through my head like a buzzing bee, pollinating the seeds of my brain.

I couldn't grasp what happened not only last night, but also just now with Harry.

I don't remember falling asleep — I remember Harry telling me that I could sleep in the bedroom and he'd take the sofa, but I was so exhausted, and all I remembered was reaching out for his arm.

"Stay," I had whispered, my hand wrapped around his wrist.

I didn't catch a glimpse of his expression because I was so tired at that point that my eyes fell shut, but I remember feeling the bed dip  — an indication that he crawled in beside me.

I remember thinking just how badly I wanted him to reach out and hold me.

I remember thinking that if I wasn't so tired, I would have turned around and reached out for him myself.

I guess I must have fallen asleep soon after that, because the last thing I remember after was waking up this morning.

I had no nightmares last night.

I didn't know what I expected this morning; when I woke up, Harry wasn't there.

I took a shower, using his body wash that he had put on the counter, and I relished in the fact that my hair smelled like him. It made me remember more of last night.

When he walked back into the suite, I felt my heart drop to my stomach. He looked so good, even better than last night, especially now that I was sober and I was seeing him in daylight.

He was wearing shorts with a simple tshirt that clung to his chest and arms, his curls pushed back as he walked into the suite. He seemed startled when I spoke, as if he didn't expect to see me.

I certainly didn't expect him to be so cold with me, not after the way he touched and kissed me last night.

When I reached my hand out for his, he pulled away so quickly, and I felt my heart twist.

It wasn't until he threw the punch where it hurt the most, that it really hit me.

You have a boyfriend, Aurelia...You've now done the same to him, Harry had said to me.

I was so consumed by his presence that I didn't even think, I didn't even think to acknowledge Kyle.

What type of person does that make me? That Kyle didn't even cross my mind this morning until Harry mentioned him...

I'm a hypocrite. I'm the biggest hypocrite there is, for doing the same thing to Kyle that Harry did to me all those months ago.

I know just how torn, just how hurt I felt when Harry had done the same to me, and now, I've put Kyle through the same thing.

Oh my god, what do I tell him? What do I say when I walk back into my apartment? How can I even look into his eyes?

And it's even more selfish of me, that what's really on my mind is Harry; after I've done the unforgivable to Kyle, he isn't even the one I'm thinking of.