2: Are you ready to comply?

Chapter 7

*heyyy just in case you didn't notice, I edited the last chapter, literally added like 4 words or something like that. Pretty much just stating the mission to England is in a few weeks time...not immediately. I need to bring Peter in! But I don't know how atm, so if anyone has any ideas for that please let me know!! The only idea I can think of I don't quite know how to make work yet haha, so if anyone else has any thoughts pleaseeeee let me know!*

*I really thought this update was going to be a couple of days ago. I currently doing uni at home, rather then there because of Covid, and stuff at home is intense. Also my insomnia is getting proper bad again, literally have no clue what's going on, for the entirety of the last week I was getting between 0-3 hours sleep, which was great fun. I now know what it is like to be a zombie. But I have been prescribed strong sleeping medication again that I can take twice a week in order to hopefully get myself into a routine! But all of these factors have meant I have either been too exhausted to write, or just feeling lame because of stuff at home (or just uni is hectic! Nursing is a very intense and full on degree haha). But yes, finally here we are, another update. Please enjoy, soz if you hate it.*

Ana's POV

Ever since what happened in Germany, things had changed somewhere inside of me. I know that sounds stupid, and cheesy, but it honestly had. It is a weakness that I try and stuff down every day, but its's there, and it was only growing. I had the chance to eliminate not only one of the avengers, but the Red Rooms arch nemesis, yet I chose to let her live; and I didn't even know why. I couldn't explain the thought process or the feelings behind it, killing her just felt wrong, that's all I knew. Killing someone had never felt so wrong before, so why did it with her? I like things making sense, I liked understanding what is going on, but none of this added up, there was nothing I could come up with that answered the questions in my head. After that encounter I didn't think my head could get anymore messed up, I guess I jinxed it.

The days that followed after whatever happened with the jumper, I was even more lost. I was shaken, and I never shook. I was more confused then I had ever felt before, worse then after what happened in Berlin, I was just so conflicted. I spent the next few days questioning everything, but mostly the validity of what I saw, it didn't make any sense to me, none of this did, it couldn't be real; yet it felt so real. It had to be some sort of trick or test, I knew about Wanda Maximoff, the HYDRA volunteer turned Avenger. I knew she had potentially the kind of power to plant these fake dreams in my head, maybe she was manipulating me? Trying to get under my skin, make me doubt myself or this organization, and then eventually to get me caught, or eliminated? But truthfully I didn't totally understand her powers, I only knew that mine could only work on those in the surrounding areas, so how she had managed to connect with my mind the other night? From miles away? It didn't make any sense. Part of me wanted to own up to my superiors about what was going on, so they could stop it all. My head was so loud, surely numbness would be better then this?

My whole life I was taught that love was for children, that I had no place in this world. These facts were drilled into my head when I was 4, but now I wasn't so sure anymore, now it just felt wrong, because here were these feelings, these 'memories', or whatever they were, that contradicted all that? The smiles and smirks on Natalia's face, the way her hand felt so soothing in my hair, how safe I felt when curled up in her arms, and her voice. It all made no sense to me, I don't know where these 'things' fit into my life. Being alone, not loving anyone, or trusting someone is the only way not to die. It's all I've ever known? What is happening? I feel like everything is out of control. I need it to stop.

I touched her face and I felt love, I felt safe and at home; all of which are unknown things to me. I wasn't used to this, these feelings I mean, I didn't know what to do with it, how to process it. I tried to shove it all down, deep within me and tried to never think of it again. But it wasn't working. The voice still haunted me, however it no longer felt so comforting. Now with the knowledge of whom it belonged to, now with all the confusion that came with it, it felt poisonous, terrifying, dangerous.