•Michael•
Those weren't the only letters he left behind. I found various other envelopes labelled.
"To Michael... open when you miss me most."
"To Michael... open when you hate me for leaving."
"To Michael... open when you want me there with you."
"To Michael... open on your wedding."
I couldn't face even thinking about ever opening the last one. I couldn't ever see myself getting married to anyone but Luke.
"God, Luke I miss you so much," I cried for the fifth time in the past our. It had been two months since his death and I had refrained from opening any of the letters but time was ticking and I needed some kind of way to feel close to him, "fuck I hate you for leaving me." I shouted, punching the pillow and crying again. I wanted to open all the letters.
That was when I knew I'd had it.
That was when I knew I missed him too much.
The pain was unbearable when I first found out about his death and I remembered crying and crying for days non stop and then sleeping and then crying again and refusing to believe he was gone and sleeping again and crying and it was a vicious cycle of heartbreak. Then it was just numb. I laid on my bed for over a week just staring at the ceiling feeling nothing. I felt completely empty and broken. It was kind of nice feeling nothing for once. Then it all hit home and I broke down again, panic attack after panic attack, crying until my voice was gone.
I remember at his funeral, me not able to say anything as I walked up to do my speech. I hadn't planned to say anything anyway because I knew that Luke already knew how much I loved him and I couldn't possibly put it into words. I was the pierced, tattooed, crying mess that sat alone with his mother because the rest of his family were scared of me.
Then I reached for the blades and hit an all time low.
--
a/n I'm sorry
I'm sorry for writing this
I hate myself so much
I'm sorry if I upset anyone
but life is fucking unfair
~Teddy
