My Heart's in Alabama

22 - Matt

I stand in front of the bathroom mirror, tie around my neck and shirt tucked into my dress pants. I run my fingers through my hair quick and shrug. Good enough, I guess. I know I should feel excited for tonight, but instead, I feel cold and numb. The thought of spending the whole night watching Kiersten with Porter fills me with dread. Before I was overthinking everything and running through every possible worst-case scenario. The what-ifs of what could happen tonight drove me crazy. I was pissed off by every little thing and irritable as hell. Now, I feel dead inside, hopeless. Kiersten is going to have the night of her life with someone else, and there's nothing I can do about it. Part of me wants to back out, rip this tie off my neck and bum it on the couch. But I made a promise to Olivia and it'd be a real dick move to stand her up like that.

I let out a heavy sigh as I look at myself in the mirror. I look pathetic. Pining after a girl who doesn't want me. Stringing on another girl and using her as a pawn. Man, what is wrong with me?

"You ready, kid?" I hear my dad say cheerfully.

He leans against the door frame, a big smile on his face. I know he's trying to make me feel better, maybe get me excited, inject some optimism in me, but it only makes me feel worse. There are a lot of ways that my dad and I are similar, but I'm not him. He was the star, the Homecoming King, the life of the party, the guy all the girls chased after. There wasn't a single guy at Hutton High that didn't wish they were him. He was golden. Until I came around, anyway.

"I guess."

My dad looks me up and down with pity in his eyes. He lets out a deep exhale through his nose.
"Come here, bud," he says. "Let me fix your tie."

He adjusts my crooked tie and smooths the wrinkles in my shirt.

"Thanks," I say weakly.

"No problem," he says then grabs me by the shoulders and looks me in the eyes. "Have fun tonight, okay?"

"I'll try."

My dad smiles and then slaps me on the back, sending me on my way.

"Don't stay out too late," he calls after me as I head down the stairs. I tell him I won't, which I don't plan to. Honestly, I'd like to be back home as soon as possible. I want to get this over with.

I walk down to Olivia's house and knock on her door. Her mom answers again with a welcoming smile.

"Matthew," she says. "Please come in. Olivia will be down shortly."

"Thank you, Ma'am," I nod.

I step into Olivia's house and take a seat on the couch. I try to ignore the strong smell of vanilla and lilac that's threatening to give me a headache. I wait there for a few minutes as my eyes wander to the family pictures on the wall. Every picture is perfectly staged and pristine. They're dressed in pure, pastel blue with not a speck of dirt or dust. Their pearly teeth shine brighter than their glossy blonde hair. You can practically see the pressure of living up to those traditional Christian values in their big forced smiles. It's like they're staring down at me, judging me for my imperfect family.