My Heart's in Alabama

14 - Matt

 It's not super late, but late enough that all my little siblings are already nice and cozy in their beds. I close the door as quietly as possible and sneak upstairs to my room. But first I make a side trip to my dad's room to make sure feeding the kids dinner, helping them with their homework, and putting them to bed all by himself didn't take too much of a toll on him. And also, you know, I want to apologize for leaving him to do all that by himself without even warning him. But he seems okay when I walk into his room. He's lying there going over his playbook.

"Hey Dad," I say sheepishly, hoping he's not mad at me for not giving him a heads up as to where I was after practice.

"Hey, where were you?" He says, but he doesn't say it like he's mad. Just curious.

"Hanging out with the guys."

My dad nods and puts his book down. I know he's not mad, but for some reason, I can't help but feel guilty.

"Sorry I didn't tell you. I can get Carrie and Drew ready for school tomorrow if you want."

"No, don't worry about it. I don't need you to punish yourself for having fun with your friends. Carrie and Drew are my responsibility, not yours."

"Yeah, well they're also Mom's responsibility. Someone's gotta pick up her slack," I mutter under my breath before I can stop myself. If my dad wasn't mad before, he definitely is now.

"Matt, I've told you a million times not to talk about your mother like that," he says through a clenched jaw.

I know I shouldn't press it, because it will make it worse. But I guess I still feel guilty and part of me wants to get punished.

"Well, how am I supposed to talk about her? Like she's some amazing mother? Because she lost that title when she left four years ago. She's not even my mom, she's just some bit-"

"Matt," my dad cuts me off sternly. "I know what you're trying to do here and it's not going to work. Now please go to your room and get some sleep."

I don't move. My dad stares me down, but all I do is stand there and sigh.

"I'm sorry," I say because I am.

I can tell my Dad's really hurt by what I said about my mother. My intentions were to hurt her, but since she left, my dad's the only one here to hurt.

"Don't worry about Carrie and Drew. And even Marcie tomorrow."

He gives me this look. I know that look. It's the look of someone who doesn't want to accept the help.

"Seriously, Dad I'll take care of them."

"Look, bud," he says and climbs out of his bed and walks over towards me. He puts his arm around me and speaks softly. "You did nothing wrong tonight you gotta believe that. I'm glad you had fun. And I know how to handle my own kids, okay?"

"You shouldn't have to do it alone," I say quietly.

I can tell my dad's tired. He's always tired.

"No, I shouldn't. But I am. I don't have a choice. You do, Matt. Have fun with your friends when you want to. You're a kid, that's what you're supposed to do."

I nod my head because I have nothing else to say. Even if I did, my dad would probably shut it down anyway. So, I say goodnight and walk away.

When I get up to my room, I still feel kind of weird about it. But I try to sleep anyway. I'm not really all that tired though, so I stare at the ceiling for a while. I get bored of that pretty quickly so I flop over and look off in some other direction. That doesn't really help the situation much, so I decide to go downstairs and watch some T.V.