Canvas - Z.M

Chapter 35

"Well if you just take off your mask, you'll find out, everything's gone wrong." -Robbers, The 1975.

//

I think I've been in here for almost three hours.

It's like everything that I was so oblivious to pushing away has come down on me all at once.

I've had meltdowns and breakdowns before but not a point that I'd hit him and breakdown into hysterics.

My hand feels dirty for doing that.

Even if he did kiss her, what good does slapping him even do when I've been slapped by him the last two or three years.

He's trying to fix himself from that and me doing that isn't helping.

But at the same time, I feel relieved that I did because he shouldn't have invited her over.

I pierce my lips together.

I can't believe he still has her number. Even if I delete it, he'd probably know it without looking at the number itself.

Why does Candice have to ruin everything?!

It's because it's Candice I've taken this so hard.

It's Candice who makes me feel like I need to step everything up when I'm with Zayn.

Everything is because of her.

I can never better her.

I will never have the ability to woo a crowd with my voice like she can. I will never be able to make Zayn the way he was before I met him like she can.

My heart aches at the emptiness I've always felt I can't fill that's inside him.

I close my eyes as tears start to threaten to break through.

Maybe everything would have been different if I took that pimps advice and stopped seeing Zayn.

He wouldn't be having any drinking problems. He wouldn't be going to therapy sessions to talk about his problems that I know nothing about. He wouldn't be angry or irritated so easily.

Maybe it's me.

He's so complicated.

There's days where we're all over each other, and then there's days when he's so detached.

He's bought me all these gifts and even bought this house to start new memories, that aren't exactly good at the moment.

I love his gifts but he probably doesn't realise I'm here for him. Because it's him that I want.

I clutch onto my hearts necklace that he had given me for Christmas and I shiver as the chill from outside breezes it's way though a few whistling windows.

I love him so much, but anything could tip me off this boat right now.

I don't know how far my trust will go.

A knock from outside sounds through the garage and I freeze.

"Lorena?"

Zayn.

He knocks again and I swallow.

"Lorena?"

He opens the door and I curse under my breath.

I thought I locked it.

I stand from the ground as he walks closer, but stop a metre away.

"You look cold." He murmurs, taking off his coat then handing it to me when he realises I'm practically shaking from this temperature.