It's about moving on

11: Of Disappearances & Portraits

"Why am I so scared of forever?

If I feel so safe tonight.

You always make me feel better,

But the timing just doesn't feel right."

Forever- Brooke Butler.

__________________________

My mind fooled me, again, I am so stupid and this rush of mine would end me breathless. If I was broken by Luke, then I'm shattered by Justin's words. Then again, he was too good to be true.

The day after the fight, I didn't have the guts to go to the principal to update her with what has gone wrong. Some voice deep down my soul whispered that he will talk me out of it. Hence,  I waited and waited. A week has passed though he never showed up at school. 

The lunchtime became dull and missing something. The table seemed vacant and lifeless despite James accompanying me. My poor twin was trying hard to ease the gloominess of mine. Either by making lame jokes, telling me about the newest locker's room rumour or by asking for my opinion about the plans for the upcoming soccer games.

It is obvious that my family started to pick up the broken pieces and we started to become closer slowly. During that week of Justin's absence, I was getting lots of my father's famous chocolate cookies. James was never leaving my side unless it was for sleeping. Caleb, on the other hand, was eerily silent, he neither brought Justin or Ian up, he kept on saying he's busy with the essays.

I think fate works in twisted manners. Notwithstanding the hurt I am feeling due to Justin lies, I am thankful for him. He made a lot of aspects of my life better, he taught me the difference between pure love and lust and he taught my family to appreciate what we had. We only lost a member, not the whole like in Justin's story.  However, I think this was the last goodbye.

I don't know who would I talk to when there's an issue, probably James since I got no friends after his leave. I ditched them all the moment I broke up with Luke, but I know that it's ok to be lonely. I have been always dealing with loneliness and loss, so it wouldn't add up if he left.

This weekend I had nothing to do but staying in my room, and somehow he was right. It does look pretty plain for my likings, so I decided to attach some fairy lights to the curtains and to start organizing it a little. The high school is ending soon and I wouldn't want to be piling up useless stuff in here. I arranged a box full of items that are to be donated and while I was packaging it, I heard a knock on my door.

I was about to deny whoever's knocking because I wanted to get this tidying mission over with. However, the knocker didn't give me a chance to answer because he opened the door. I wanted to lecture the knocker about privacy but it was someone I was going crazy about for the past week. The knocker was Justin. 

Mixed emotions swivelling in my head, longing, sadness, anger, but anger was the dominant feeling. He was going to smile and mutter a hi but I hit him on his chest.

"What are you doing here you, you lying scum!" My face was red and my veins were about to bulge out from my skin.

"Woah! Easy here! I came to make amends and say that I miss you." I didn't notice that he was carrying a large bag behind his back until he threw it near my bed. Then he took my hands in his to stop my attach and embrace me instead. His perfume hit my nostrils and I nearly sighed but I remember my sulking.

"Well, I didn't. Get your hands off me!" I try to break free but he hugs me tighter.

He managed to twirl me so he could whisper in my ears."I'm not letting go. Not this time." 

Tingles started to arise on my skin but I huffed and managed to get out from his grasp. 

"Every time I felt something gravitating me toward you, you get indecisive, blaming it all on your flirty self and your abilities to seduce, and when we kissed. You blamed it on alcohol! I'm so done. I've been hurting because I felt things with you from the very first time I danced with you on the beach. Yet you pushed me away! Then you freakin' disappear for a week! Put yourself in my shoes. If you were fighting with a person you think of as someone you care about, then he disappears with no excuse, isn't that a clear signal that he doesn't want you and that you are over?" He looks at my smudged face and doesn't faze. "Answer me!" I demanded with a yell, making myself wonder why neither of the men came and punched him for hurting their baby daughter/sister.

He takes a long breath then tugs his hair in frustration. "Lily, know that my absence for the week wasn't in the form of avoiding you. On the contrary, I was intending to meet you immediately, but I had things going on in my past-town. A friend of mine was about to turn homeless because of his father's sudden death, and another couldn't differentiate between her emotions and was about to relapse. The thing is, as you can gather me and my friends from that town, every one of us has a dark side. Hence, why I left. 

When we came here, we didn't have any expectations, that until I saw you. You were dating Luke but I noticed that he wasn't treating you right. Emma, from the very first time I saw your face, I was intrigued. Your facial expressions reminded me of the relapsing friends. I wanted to save you. However, you were the one who saved me. You were a breath of fresh air. But I didn't want to hurt you. 

You see, Em, Lily, I am a bad omen to whoever close to me. My cousin lost his pregnant fiance in a car crash, my best friend tried to end her life, my other friends are having their own battles, and then my parents. I like you Emma, a lot, but I can't bear losing you. I know you want us to try a relationship, but for the time being, let us take things slow." For the very first time, I saw the dimpled boy having his own set of tears. He approached me carefully and embraced me. I traced his cheek with my hands then I wiped the trace of tears formed on them. Then I slowly pecked his cheek, to make it tinted with the faintest of reds.

He brings the pendant to my view again and asks me to wear it. The reluctant look on my face prompted him to talk. "Promise me that you'll never take it off again unless you get married to someone who isn't me. I want it to be a reminder of the memories we have together, both the sweet and the bad. In the future, if any of us walked away, I want you to know that this, you, is the best thing that has happened in a long time."

I am rendered speechless. He was talking from the bottom of his heart and it was overwhelming. He takes another breath then he brings a painting out of the bag that he was carrying. It was a portrait of me, I was kneeling in a ballerina gown as if I was starting a  performance. There were other silhouettes of ballerinas behind me but the canvas made the spotlight focused solely on me. It was made in the shades of blue and the hues of obsidian. The painter did an amazing job of portraying my emotions through my eyes, it made me look with passion while performing. Justin is the best person I have ever met and I can't deny my feelings for him.

"I made my friend draw you, as a form of distraction from her thoughts; hence why it looks so... passionate. She told me to take care of you and to tell you that your features are delicate, which I couldn't disagree on. Lily, you are the embodiment of perfection on this earth." He holds my hand and kisses them like a typical gentleman.

"I wonder why none of them barged and murdered you so far." I wanted to ease the heavy atmosphere by lightly joking.

"Well, they all knew about why I left, so they have nothing on me." He laughed slightly.

"Now now, after I informed you of what's been going on, may we continue our dance practices? After that, I may take you on our first official date."

He pulled me into his chest and started playing with my hair, and in that exact moment, nothing mattered but him, only him.