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all i seem to do is get high now my grades are slipping and i'm so close to graduating . what happened to going to college and having a dream? what happened to those hopes and dreams you once had? they all seemed to fade just like yourself. the once happy being is now such a depressing piece of shit. you moved back in with the person you love but hurt you the most. not like you had a choice though but stuff happens. people tend to ignore you and make you seem irrelevant in every situation but, you're used to it now. being hurt is second nature at this point. constantly changing medications and never actually being yourself in front of people because you're scared of them not liking you so you try to seem digestible to every person you meet. always trying to seem happy and upbeat so people don't have to worry about you. it's sad that you care so much about people when you should care about yourself. the moment you actually start the process of trying to take care of yourself you slip due to someone hurting you emotionally and you go back to not showering for a few months and not cleaning your room. your mother doesn't care that you're obviously not stable but continues to belittle you and make you feel not worthy of anything (which she somehow thinks that it makes it better). you're getting older and you're going to have to move out soon but you're scared of being alone. always having to be reassured that nobody hates you but your friends get tired of that and slowly stop talking and hanging out with you. your only friend now being your cat and people think you're creepy for having conversations with your cat because your cat actually listens and gives a flying fuck about you. but hey, you're the crazy person here. you picked up vaping now and you're addicted to nicotine but won't admit it. you're life is passing you by fast and you don't have time to react. trying to slowly pick up the pieces of your life you lost because of other people and your self sabotaging you continue to break the pieces that are in your hand making it nearly impossible to pick up all the shattered pieces you call your "life". i feel hopeless. i'm probably going to commit in a few months but it's most likely not going to be planned. you can't be surprised, it was you who set your fate in place. always saying "i'll never make it to 18" and now i see why. because you aren't. have fun for the amount of time you have left. be sure to tell your family how much they mean to you and love the fuck outta your cat. goodbye world. you won't see me shed anymore tears or blood. once i take things in my own hands there won't be anymore suffering. hopefully that will be soon. i can't take this empty, hollow, waste of a body anymore. i'm a waste of time and energy. nobody will ever care enough to do anything. this is what you were destined to do. live an empty, hopeless life and then die by your own hands. i don't want to hurt anymore. i don't want to cry anymore. i don't want to be alive anymore.
