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*sigh* I turn up my Vaporwave as i stroll down the neighborhood while focusing at my foot work. Realizing i don't want to go home.
huh, home a place where i don't feel safe at all but i always seem to go back to it. i change my direction and head to the near by park. i'm feeling antisocial today so if i see any people i will ignore the shit out of em.
i grab on to the swing and start swinging. i think about what i want to be and what i want to do. to be honest i never thought of anything besides singing, school, kpop, and the constant state of fear i live in.
maybe i'll be that person who ends up on top at the end or just stays at the bottom sinking in self loathing and pity. i don't want to be the latter so i try to lift my thoughts. maybe i'm just lonely?
the word i hate the most, lonely. i really hate that word. mostly because i'm always lonely and i don't want to die lonely.
self hate. the word i relate to on a spiritual level. the amount of self hate i have is unbelievable for a tiny person. you'd think i'd have a lick of it but, i don't.
i hate that i can tear myself up with my words. something people can't do to me i can do to myself. the fact that i could drown in all my fears and insecurities is so debilitating.
so enough thinking. i have to walk myself back home to a place i don't seem safe but, always seem to go back to.
don't you love it when you hurt but everyone tells you it's nothing? your fears just waiting to consume you. the more you wait the more they grow. the more they grow the more they take control.
control, something you don't have. it's the wait that makes you more hungry for what is to come. what is to come they ask? it's you not being bed for a couple days even happy.
something you haven't been in a while. all the old memories start to fade and turn into nightmares. things that haunt you in your sleep. the only thing that made you escape reality.
maybe your bed is where you live. where you were born. the natural habitat of a depressed person. someone who loathes the moment they open their eyes and when they close them.
come to think of it you never called that place home. the place where you get hurt beat. where you cry you become vulnerable. where you bled. oh the bloodshed.
oh i'm right at the door. should i go in and live in the everlasting cycle of hurt, pain and despair? should i just disappear? maybe that'll be best for me and the people in this so called "home".
do i want to hurt? do i want pain? obviously not thats why i cry myself to sleep while i bottle up pent up anger, pain and frustration.
