Bigger Secret

Shut Up

tw: spicy stuff, panic attack

The drive home was miserable. All I could do was panic. The whole time I just thought I was being paranoid. I just thought they were really close.

How long had it been going on? Did they ever really break it off? Why didn't Emily say anything before? Why would she do this? A few weeks and she's already taken over my life.

So many questions that I never thought would be answered. I never wanted to see her again. Every time I closed my eyes I just saw her kissing JJ.

JJ. She knew Emily was going out with someone, I mean she had to have known, and she still kissed her. She didn't know it was me who Emily was dating though. Was... dating.

I still couldn't believe that all of that just happened. Right in front of me.

I unlocked my front door, tossing my bags onto the couch. I lumbered over to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. Taking the glass from the shelf, I stopped.

I'm going to need something stronger.

I went to my liquor cabinet and ran my finger over the consecutively placed bottles. I grabbed a bottle of tequila, not even bothering to get a glass. I went back to my room, throwing my clothes off. It felt like they were swallowing me. It felt like everything was caving in.

I fell to the floor, gripping my chest. A pit formed in my stomach, a gaping, endless pit of nothingness. Tears started to well up in my eyes and my chest started to heave.

I- I can't do this right now. This can't be happening right now.

I laid on the floor, clutching my stomach as I looked up at the ceiling. My breathing got faster and faster, and the hole in my stomach started to grow. Minutes later, my whole body felt like it was being devoured. I couldn't stop it.

I tried to level out my breathing. Taking in large breaths of air. My fingers wound upwards and started to drag through my hair. Slowly, I started to calm down.

I stood up, carefully, and made my way to the bathroom. I tried turning on the shower but slumped down to the floor, the cold tile hitting my bare ass. My head fell backwards, leaning against the vanity.

What the fuck is happening?

The next few hours were spent crying on my bathroom floor while chugging the bottle of liquor. I didn't want to, but all I could was wonder what Emily was doing at the moment.

Is she freaking out like I am? Could she be pretending it never happened? What if she's hooking up with JJ right now...

My thoughts only caused me to spiral even more.

JJ was so nice to me. She's nice to everyone. Who wouldn't want to date her? She's perfect. Beautiful. Smart. Loving. What else could you ask for?

About an hour of sobbing and drinking later, I finally peeled myself off the floor. I turned on the shower and sat on the toilet, waiting for it to heat up. I looked in the mirror for a moment. My mascara was dripping down my cheeks and my lipstick was smudged across my face.

All this and I still miss her.

I checked the water again, then stripped off my underwear. Stepping inside, I let the hot water rush over me. I stood there for a second. At least what I thought was a second, it was really like half an hour. I just stood there, holding myself, wishing it was Emily.

I snapped out of my trance and began to wash the makeup off my face. When I was done, I scrubbed the day off of my body and ended with washing my hair.