Mockingjay. Life Goes On

After the war

Its been two weeks after the war ended. Today i will be discharged from the hospital. the doctors seem like they already given up on me, i knew they will because me myself already given up after i lost everyone that i love. I cannot continue living like this. Every night i had a nightmare that haunt me and my life.

 All the victims from the war, my dad, Rue, Cinna and my sister, Prim they all exist in my nightmares. Primrose Everdeen , my one and only little sister that i can't protect and saved from the war. I hate myself for that. I had a nightmare about him too. I have not seen him after the day i shoot President Coin. I don't even know where is he right now. I miss him and i need his arm to protect me when i am having my nightmare just like he did when we were on the train before the Quarter Quell, before i lost everything. I need him in my life. I am so stupid that i let him taken away by the Capitol. 

They changed him into something he is not. He hates me now and i knew that it was my fault. I wanted my Peeta back. I wanted to be with him and protect him from all his flashbacks. But i am sure that i will never get my boy with the bread again. He said im a mutt, a monster that killed his family and all the people in District 12. Sometimes i agrees with what he said because it is true but Haymitch always told me the opposite. 

Haymitch is the only one who take care of me now. He kept motivating me, and told me that i saved a lot of people maybe not for now but for their future. After i shoot President Coin instead of President Snow, they voted Paylor to be the new president. So after President Paylor took the responsibility, she said that there will be no games anymore. At least i can give the others hope to live with their family happily without  thinking about the game that will killed their kids. I felt relieved that the games would not be played anymore and i should be happy to continue my life but i just cant. I don't know why. There is no point on living for me anymore.

 When i was in the hospital i lied to the doctors and the nurses that i took my pills every single time they asked me to but actually i hide it under my bed. I don't want to take any medication from the Capitol . I don't want them to change me into something im not . just like what Peeta said but the Capitol already changed him and i cant do anything about it.

 Before they send me back to my home in the Victor Village in District 12, Haymitch asked me to take a shower because i haven't took any since last couple of days. This is because i cant even get myself up to do anything. When i was taking my shower i took a glance in the mirror and then i saw a very skinny and broken figure of a girl that i used to know. Then the anger inside of me boils and all  my hatred towards the Capitol rises. My body full with scars from the war.These are all Snow's fault. The tears in my eyes stated to form. Everytime i think about the war i just end up curling in my hospital bed and sobbed. I quickly close my eyes and cover the mirror with my clothes so that i will not see my ugly and skinny figure in it. I continue my shower and after i finished, i change into a new set of clothes. Then i come out from the shower and sit on my bed waiting for Haymitch to take me away from here and maybe then i can join Prim and my dad like i should be.