Mockingjay. Life Goes On

Him

The next morning i woke up with a sore eyes maybe because of too much sobbing. I helped myself to get up from the bed, and go straight into the shower. After i finished, i open my closet then i saw his sweatshirt that he left in my closet before we got into the train for the Quarter Quell I took the sweatshirt and put it in my arms. The sweatshirt still have the sense of cinnamon that Peeta always got from the bakery. This makes me feel that he is here with me. I decided to wear it for today. I go down the stairs and just started to curl again on the sofa. I have not taken any food since i got here. I don't care because it will help me to go and see my sister and my dad. I will starve myself to death. That seems like the only way. My mother said that she will never going back to district 12. For her there were to many bad memories happened here. I am filling a little bit mad towards her because she left me alone and she let me to handle all of this by my own. She was the only one family member that i have now. Its hard for me to say but i think i need her to help me to pass through this hard time. But then she just left me alone here. Then i remembered about Gale. Where is he now. I knew that it was not his fault about the bomb but it was still his bomb. He is the one that made it. After the bomb exploded, i have never see him again. Maybe he was so scared that i will be very mad at him but living me alone without any explanation will not help much. I then realised that my face is getting soaked up with tears again. My body started to shake. Why all of this thought still in my head. I don't want any of it. Its killing me from the inside. Then i hear a door knob being turned open. I know it is Haymitch because he is the only one that can stand near me. The others will think that i am a crazy and weird looking girl after the rebellion. Haymitch saw me crying and tried to calm me down. His presence help me to calm a little bit. Haymitch have been so nice to me after the whole Panem was on war and i thanked him for that. He asked me to take in some food into my stomach and i nod. Sometimes i felt for him, he always assure me to take all of my needs but i kept ignoring him. I don't think much about people around me anymore. I am selfish in my own thought. That day Haymitch accompanied me until the sun goes down then he went back to his house which is just opposite mine. So i walked upstairs and threw myself on my bed not thinking about changing into my pajamas. Today i felt a little tired thats why it does not take any longer before i drifted into my sleep full with nightmares. Mostly about him. Yes about Peeta. I woke up screaming, sobbing, and my whole body was shaking really bad. I am so scared about my nightmares. Then i took the pearl that Peeta gave and put it close to my lips. Its really help me to calm down a little bit. I knew why because of his pearl that i put on my lips. It feels like his cold lips attached to mine which makes my whole body became more relax. I hope i will meet him. But in the other way i also still cannot forget myself for things that Peeta has been through. It is all my fault. The tortured, hijacked, the death of his family and all that his been going through this couple years. I know that i will never deserve Peeta. He deserved a way more perfect, beautiful, normal girl and most important the one that can take care of him give all what he wanted like a child. I know i cant give him that because i am too scared. Thinking about him always makes me want to be close with him but i cant because he is not here with me. He is still in the Capitol. I think i will not go to bed anymore after the nightmares that i just got. It scared me to go to sleep again. So i just curling up into a ball on my bed, covered up blanked and with my mine still thinking about him.