Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

3

'It's unbelievable!'

I squeeze my headphones even more tightly against my ears, but my parents' voices seem to override everything. 'What have we done to deserve this?!' I don't even have to go to the living room to see what has happened, I can guess it from here. They opened the envelope that contains the result of my exam and they have read it. 'Forty-five percent!' my father yells. 'Maybe if we sign her up for just one level below this one, she-' my mother tries reluctantly, but my father isn't having any of it. 'I've had it!' he yells. 'This is the final straw!'

I can almost feel the ground shake. I know my father opened the door of my room and barges in, because I can feel the energy shifting. I don't know where he is exactly, so I can feel my body frightening when he forces my headphones of my head. 'What is this?!' he yells demanding while holding up the result of my exam. 'A piece of paper?' I say in a dull voice. He doesn't seem to appreciate my smart answer.

'After all the time and effort we've put into your education, you're screwing it up over and over again?!' My own outburst is lurking around. 'Time and effort?!' I ask in disbelief. 'All you've put into it is money! Money for those exams, money for tutors, nothing else.' My father slides the piece of paper onto my desk, while pushing Hikaru's picture aside. 'Yes, money! It has all gone to waste! Why do we have to have a child who's incapable of doing anything?!'

His disparaging comments doesn't mean anything to me anymore. That's not the reason why it feels like I'm about to burst out. I just can't take this anymore: I'm exhausted, so terribly exhausted of living this life.

My mother, who keeps standing in the doorway, looking at me while shaking her head, mumbles: 'I'll check when registrations are open for the next entrance examinations.' My father looks at me the same way she does: disappointed and disparaging. 'If you don't make it in one more time, we'll send you to a boarding school, where you'll do nothing but work until you do make it in!'

Although I previously thought my own bomb was about to explode, I now find myself being strangely calm. 'You won't do that,' I say firmly. 'And being disrespectful, too?' my father roars. 'You won't do that,' I repeat calmly, 'because the neighbourhood will hear of it. Everybody will know that you put me there. It will be a disgrace.' I can see he knows that I'm right. He can't do that, because the outside world will see this family as even more shameful. 'You're a disgrace!' he yells while barging out the room. My mother gives me one more head-shaking look, before she follows him, slamming the door shut.

I just can't take this anymore.

I get up and put on my sweater. It will soon be dusk, but I know it won't be cold. My body will be working hard: it will keep me warm. Although I wonder if I will ever really feel warm again.

In the other room, I hear my parents discussing about me, but I decide to not give it any attention anymore. I grab the picture of Hikaru from my desk and carefully put it in my pocket. I sling my headphones around my neck and walk towards the window. As soon as I open it, some fresh air blows in immediately. I look at the door one more time and wait a while, against my better judgment. My parents will never come back to apologize or make sure I'll stay. And I don't want to stay at all anymore.

I'm hanging out of the window. There is no one else to be seen on the streets. I'm grabbing hold of the drainpipe and slowly move myself down more and more. Since I have fled through the window before, I don't really feel any tension. It had become kind of second nature to me. As soon as I lower myself onto the paving stones, the weight falls of my shoulders immediately.

I put on my headphones and turn on the music via my mobile phone. After putting it away, I begin to walk away from my house. With every step away from it, it feels like I'm able to breathe more and more. At first I walk through the suburb of Tokyo, but then I start running. I notice that I don't even mind running. Without thinking, I arrive at the house where Hikaru's parents live and I stop there for a while.

I can see them through the window. They're standing in the kitchen, cutting some vegetables. It warms my heart to see them laugh. For a moment, they're not consumed by sorrow or the thought of them having lost their daughter. I can't remind them of it now. That would be cruel. I look away and run on until I'm out of the centre of the city and I can see it from a greater height. I stop to catch my breath for a moment and let my eyes glide over the lights, which are now on.

I'm not thinking about my parents or how they'll react when they find out I've run away. I absolutely don't care now. Actually, I don't really care about anything when I look around me like this. The city is so very big, which makes me feel so small.

Are Shiori and Sato right? Can I find my interest and determination again in fulfilling the dream that Hikaru and I had?

After I sit down on a piece of rock, I grab her picture. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the lines, but then I can even see her smiling in the dark. 'How did you always do that?' I whisper with a lump in my throat. 'How could you always stay that positive in life? How could you always stay so determined to your goal?' I think about how easily she made contact with people and how she actually liked it. I have never been one to enjoy talking to people. I don't trust them, because most of them laugh at me behind my back and leave me to my own devices, even if I need them. But Hikaru made everything easier.

'Since you've been gone, I feel so.. lonely,' I mumble sighing. 'Nothing interests me anymore. I feel like I shouldn't be anywhere anymore.' I run my thumb over her face gently. 'Sometimes I think..' I start, but I can't finish that sentence out loud. In my head I can. Sometimes I think it should've been the other way around. That I should've been the one who got hit by that car and not her. Hikaru was a happy spirit. She was full of goodness towards other people. As for me? I'm just suspicious of them and mainly focusing on myself all the time. It's so unfair that she's gone.

I put her picture back in my pocket and walk further up the mountain. We came here to practise our climbing skills all the time. Little by little, we managed to get over the easy rock face. It made us very proud. Could I still do it now? The last time I went climbing was a few weeks ago now. I haven't really trained for a while, but I wouldn't forget it, would I? I owe it to Hikaru to try.

At first, I stop to look at the wall, so that it gets sharper and I can see all the edges. Then I start to climb. I have no fear of slipping or falling. I don't know if it's because I'm still confident about it or if I wouldn't care if I were to fall. The world seems to sense that I'm proud that climbing is still easy for me. The fireworks in the city congratulate me for it. While holding on, I turn my head back to the city to watch the fireworks from afar. However, it's not all that far away from me. I let my foot slip when I see that the sparks are getting awfully close. A few meters away from me, it hits the rocks. I quickly look in front of me to regain my grip, but another impact causes me to slip.

I let out a short scream of shock as I descend a few feet, opening my arms by scraping against the pieces of rock. My feet dangle in the air and I feel the force and pressure being put on my arms. I manage to pull myself up on the rock face and try to get back down as quickly as possible, but another impact causes me to lose the grip of my hands. I don't even have time to think about what is happening and why it's happening. I don't even have time to think about anything, because I feel my feet slip off the wall and I start to float through the air.

I know I'm crashing down, but I don't feel the pain when my back hits the ground.