Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

32

'Let's do it.' I looked at my best friend with a laugh, but her own face didn't budge. She was extremely serious. 'I'm serious, Kimora,' she told me, 'why not? Let's do it.' My eyes moved from her to the internet page full of pictures of lakes, mountains, beautiful villages and cultural sights. 'Hikaru, are you serious?' I asked against my better judgment. Of course she was.

'Look how clear the water is,' she said in astonishment as she clicked on a video and stared at the screen, dreamily, 'and how high these mountains are. Imagine what we could see from here.' I had to admit it looked attractive, but beyond my parents there was another obstacle. 'As if I could climb a mountain or walk for miles at a time,' I said with a laugh. 'I can't keep that up for another five minutes.'

My best friend looked at me as if she thought that was absolute nonsense, as if there was absolutely nothing in this world that I couldn't do. 'We will when we train,' she replied. 'We go hiking, running, swimming and climbing. We will succeed, Kimora, we're go-getters. We can do this.' Her hand felt warm and soft as she took mine. She looked at me with a determined look in her eyes. This was the look that always empowered me and made me believe I could do anything I wanted, as long as I tried my best.

'We can do this,' she repeated. And I believed her.

What the hell? What do I care about it all?

I left my former friend by walking away and now he's on his way to an arena, from which he may never return. I resist accepting a special connection that I had never felt with another girl since losing my best friend, until now. I supress the idea that I can be comfortable with a guy who doesn't care about other people most of the time and would even use them when it suits him. I block the images of the boys' filthy looks as I stood scantily dressed in front of them, to help the boy who doesn't care about other people most of the time.

I want to swim. Why couldn't I do that? Why shouldn't I be at peace with my body? Why should I allow myself to be forever scarred by the fact that I have been touched against my will? Why should that stop me from doing what I want to do? I want to swim. So I'll go for a swim.

The few people who are outside at all don't even look at me when I take off my vest and shorts and put them over the beach chair. Maybe they've never really looked at me and I'm the only person who made it a thing all along. Maybe it's not necessary at all to look at my body so self-consciously.

The temperature is perfect for an evening in the pool and no one else uses it. I walk to the edge and put my foot in the water. Immediately I'm greeted by the soft water. I turn around and use the stairs to enter the thing. My shoulders are still above it, but I let myself lie on my back and feel what it's like to float.

'What do you think is more fun to do?' Hikaru asked. 'Kayaking or canoeing?' She expressed both terms with equal enthusiasm, as if she thought it would be great to do both. I had to admit that after weeks of training, I felt more and more confident about being able to do it. 'Why not both?' I therefore suggested. My best friend's face had reached the height of joy. 'Oh, Kimora,' she sighed dreamily as she put her arm around me, 'I still can't believe we're actually going to do this! I'm really looking forward to it!'

I didn't want to be the one to kill her enthusiasm, so I said nothing. Still, she noticed that I was staring at the carpet sadly. 'They disagreed, didn't they?' Hikaru glumly asked. I sighed. 'They did. They still want me to take those entrance exams.' Rarely did Hikaru show anger, but now it reappeared.

'Do you know that I really can't stand it?!' she growled. 'You can play the piano beautifully and I can listen to you playing guitar for hours. You're a natural born athlete and you enjoy running and climbing. You thrive when you do these things! Why can't they just accept that this makes you happy?!'