Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

57

'How are you feeling today?'

I'm getting a little tired of that question, but I know the nurse means well. That's why I try to reply in a normal way. 'I woke up pretty good,' I tell her. 'I can now move much longer without being in a lot of pain, so that's a good sign.' She nods and smiles slightly. 'So you're pretty well rested?'

I already feel where this question is headed. I suppress an exasperated look and try to think carefully about my answer, but the nurse is already looking at me expectantly. So I don't have time to think about my answer.

'I don't think I..' I begin, but I can't make up an excuse. I also know that I'm physically very capable of getting out of bed today and walking around for a while. She knows that, too, so I can't pretend. 'Kimora,' she begins softly, 'I really think it will be good for you to join the support group. It isn't nothing what you've experienced: you've been hit hard, you've been unconscious for two days and you found out that there has been a meteorite impact. You were so downcast last night. Maybe it helps to talk to fellow survivors.'

Maybe it will help if everyone leaves me alone. I almost tell her, but then I remind myself again that she means well. I'm not going to tell her I was so depressed yesterday from my parents' visit, who did what they said and came by last night. I had hoped that the plan would now be completely over, but my father started talking again about how fortunately, I will recover in time for the next entrance exams.

'I understand it comes across as a confrontation with what happened,' the nurse continues, 'but we find that it helps many patients to talk about it with someone who has experienced the same thing. That's how you understand each other.' I don't feel like answering and to be honest, I'm starting to lose my temper, but I don't seem to be the only one. I see her suppress a sigh. She probably thinks I'm stubborn and that I just shouldn't be that difficult, but I'm not going to tell her I don't like interacting with people. I never did and I never will.

'What do you want to eat this afternoon?' she asks. 'Then I'll have that prepared for you and bring it to you. Maybe we can have lunch together.' The young, beautiful nurse who has lunch with the pathetic Kimora, so that the poor sheep can feel better? When in reality it will only get worse, because that nurse keeps whining about that support group? No thanks.

'That's sweet,' I start, 'but I think I'll try to walk a bit today and eat in the cafeteria.' It's an excuse to get rid of her nagging. I don't know if she realizes that, because she looks up at me cheerfully. 'What a good idea! That way, you'll get among the people.' Why do they think that's so important here? Why do I have to be among the people? I try to hide that my excuse no longer feels like a victory. Now she still has her way. I don't know how to respond, so I just nod. 'Don't you forget your appointment with the physiotherapist? Half past one in the practice.' She puts a piece of paper on my bedside table, smiles at me and leaves the room.

I'm glad I have a room on my own, because I would've gone mad if someone else were lying here with me. I don't mind being on my own at all, but here they seem to find it a problem that I don't mingle with people. When I woke up two days ago, that same evening they started nagging me about that support group and what a good idea that was. Shiori and Sato also think it's a good idea, but I don't feel like it at all.

"Every morning from eleven to twelve o'clock and every afternoon from two to three o'clock" the flyer says. "Talk to fellow survivors to find mutual support. The circle is guided by a professional." A brain picker, no thanks. I have no desire to talk about what has happened to others, especially people who have been through the same thing. I don't feel like sad stories and pity. I plan to just recover from the physical damage I've taken and then go home again. Where I'll be thrown back into my life as I knew it: being prepared for the next entrance exam, which I deliberately fail to pass. Surely there must be something more than this? I couldn't have stayed alive for this, could I? I don't know what I want yet, but I do know that I want something other than this and that I finally have to stand up for myself. But when I think about that, I keep seeing my angry father telling me that I'm a shame to the family.