Guess That Is How I Know You

Chapter XXXIX

January 29, 2019

I could not believe it the first time around. I genuinely thought it to have been nothing more than a misdial. Then your name popped up again and everything came rushing back.

The memories, the pain, the turmoil after you had left not once, not twice, but three times. They say by the third time one should know better, and the thing is, I did know better. I had moved on with my life.

That pull I had always felt towards you, it was so faint, so untaggable, I had let myself believe it was gone.

Jesus, Cecilia, three years! Three fucking years! Were they not enough to fulfill your thirst for power over someone? Over me!

Why did you have to call? Yeah, it was my birthday, but you could have just convinced yourself to forget it, could you not?

I was at work after all. You know. That thing you felt the need to break up with me about.

Knowing you like I do, or do I, really? You must consider yourself almighty for doing so. Very chivalry of you. Just I did not ask for that, in fact, I begged you not to.

Begged. Do you know how humiliating it is to admit it? To have done it. While you stood there, pretending you knew what was best for me, for my career.

Even if you were right, you were wrong. I was not someone who needed looking after. I knew the consequences behind my decisions, something you obviously never learned.

Why did you have to call?

Why did I have to accept that call and the stupid coffee date?

People do not do that in real life. They do not meet for coffee and just talk. Because in real life, that is torture.

Have you any idea how much physical pain I was in when you walked through those doors? To see you after months. To see the person who had infected my mind for three years. Three years!

Why did you have to look at me like that? As if you could possibly feel any remorse over everything you had made me go through.

Why did you have to apologize? You do not apologize. You do not know what it is to be wrong. In your head everything you do, everything you say, is right.

Everyone told you not to do that with me. Your sister, your friends, even your ex for goodness' sake! Every single person who knew what we meant for each other, told you it would not matter in the long run. They told you I could take it.

They were right, you know.

Not being with you did not stop people from talking. I could feel their gazes on my back and hear them whispering whenever I passed. Not being with you made no difference whatsoever.

Actually, it did make a difference.

At the end of the day, I had no one to confide about how awfully unfair I had been treated. As a matter of fact, I think all you did was run away from having to endure it with me.

You left, and I was there, fighting on my own against the world. Trying to earn my place. I could have done it with you by my side, supporting me. But then you would have to be there to carry the weight with me, right?

You truly are blind.

It is insane to think I led myself into believing we could last. Not when you kept leaving. You left for someone else, and then you left for yourself, but in the end, you just left me for nothing.

I am worth nothing to you. So why is it you keep coming back into my life?

Why do you have to do this with me? Honestly, what the hell is your problem?

I cannot believe I actually agreed to meeting, not after everything you had put me through.

You had the nerve to sit right in front of me, and, without even looking me in the eyes, talk about how you had missed me. Why did you have to come back into my life?

After almost five months since my last night with you. Five months since you left. Did you know I was not sure I would ever be able to love again?

Then you come back asking for forgiveness. When you could not even look at me as you talked about how you regrated the things you had done.

I could not bear to see you cry, and that infuriated me. You had caused me so much pain, but I could not handle to see you suffer.

I have not gotten a clue on what to do. Or maybe I do.

After you left and I had gotten home, I saw this stupid thing laying in my bookshelf and I realized maybe, if you just saw what you had done, how you had made me feel, an unfiltered pass to my thoughts, then maybe, you might see where you went wrong.

I guess this will be the last one you read, that is, if you manage to get to the end.

I honestly hope you can finally see this whole intricate relationship of ours through my eyes.

Anyhow, if in the end, everything is still the same to you, then I guess this is goodbye.

But if not, well, you know where I stand.

Remi