smile!! [yugbam]

thank you sorry by kyg

i promise i will remember you forever
all the memories, all the emotions felt

from now on, i'll be the one to say thank you
i'm sorry for making you say sorry
it's okay to think that i'm selfish
my eyes will only be for you so that we can be happy
i know, i have no confidence without you
i'm getting smaller
i only think about you deep inside my heart
the more that only i know i will lock up

-

yugyeom punches the grey concrete wall of his cellar in frustration.

it's been six months and the moment of their last interaction has never left his mind. he knew all this time, that eventually this would have to happen. but even knowing, he was never prepared for it to happen.

and oh, how it's even more painful that he could've ever imagined.

what they had, was not healthy. yugyeom knew that gatekeeping bambam to live such a more fearful life was never an option for him to bear. he knew one day he would crack under the sight of how scared bambam is of other humans, of the outdoor world, to just be himself.

just for him? it was never worth it!

he had him in his arms but at what cost? to watch him suffer with you for the rest of his life?

it was never going to work out. he should've known that he could never have a relationship or be in love ever again. after the stupid consequences his parents have put upon him.

he couldn't stand being so fucking selfish for any longer.

so he ripped the bandage off. and broke up with him.

if he knew this was supposed to be their outcome, how come he's still regretting his decision? how come he's still hanging onto his love for this boy? just thinking about how he thinks he messed up kills him on the inside.

because no matter what, he's still is extremely selfish. letting bambam's ensuring words get the best of him. that he was ok with the pain. that he loved in that much to go through hell. no human being would ever want that! yet somehow he's convinced himself that maybe bambam was telling the truth.

but at the end of the day, he knees he wasn't. he was just so obsessed with the feeling of love. not because it was yugyeom. he continued to keep telling himself that.

to yugyeom, jail wouldn't actually suck that much. he's free from all the hateful people, from all the pain and punishment he had to endure, he was just by himself killing time away towards death. but ONE thing makes this place actually like an absolute hell for him.

and that is that he cannot run back to bambam and tell him that he was lying and that he was just trying to protect him. that he just wanted him to hopefully move on from him and live a better life. but they both know that the only way to live a better life was with each other.

he lied about his sentence. he's not stuck in here for life. but to bambam, it might as well be if he held onto his feelings and just counted the days away until he got to be with yugyeom again.

he just wants bambam to be ok. he's worried someday down the years something bad will happen to him. but yugyeom trusts that he will do his life good and be successful in his new dreams and career.

yugyeom made a vow to himself the minute he gets out of jail, he will just look up bambam's name and see where he is, what's he been up to, and how he's doing.

all from afar of course.

he believes in bambam very much so. he knows almost for a fact that he will succeed.

he just hates that he can't be a supporter right beside him.

yugyeom cried his last tears outs.

it just sucks that he never EVER got to say i love you back to him.

and the fucking fact that he knew he loved him since the beginning of time.

that's something he'll never forgive himself for.

just for never spitting out those three words to him.