The Cadet

Confessions

TW: Body dysmorphia, self-harm

Evelyn POV

"I found ya!"

A chiseled face peeked from over the table, bearing a toothy grin.

"Ah! Daddy!"

I reached up, my small hands brushing over the stubble on his cheeks. He picked me up, throwing me over his head.

"I've got ya now, ya li'l rascal!" Daddy said, his Scottish accent thick.

I squealed in delight as he carried me off to a nearby table, where a gorgeous woman with long black hair sat smiling at us.

"Mama! Look who I found!" I said, giggling as Daddy set me down next to him.

"Who you found? I think I was the one findin' you, lassie!" he said next to me, feigning hurt.

"Well, she wouldn't think that if you were around more." Mama said, shooting daggers at Daddy, not even glancing at us.

"Mary, not now-"

"When Fergus? When you're lightyears away and can't get good signal?" she said angrily, her full lips pressed together in displeasure.

"Mary. You knew it was going to be like this. I've got duties to Starfleet, love." Daddy said, leaving a kiss on my head before standing up. "I've got orders, I'll be back in a few weeks. Then I'll be home for good while."

"Daddy! You just got here, you're leaving already?" I said, clinging to him to stop him from leaving.

He knelt down to my level and plucked the pin off of his shirt and fastened it to mine. "I promise I'll come back to ya, lassie. I've just gotta go for a while, then I can come back and we can have more fun." he said, drawing my attention to the pin on my chest. "Can ya keep this for me? It's real special."

I nodded ferociously, inspecting the pin further.

"Good. I'll see ya in a bit, lassie. I promise." he said, giving me one final kiss before leaving me and Mama.

%%%

I woke up suddenly, subconsciously knowing what would happen next if I stayed asleep. Light peeked through the blinds and violated my eyes. I groaned and rolled over, cuddling up to the warm body that laid next to me. Without thinking too much about it, I wrapped my arm across them and practically trapped them there. A woodsy, very manly but clean smell filled my nostrils and made me look up at the chiseled face of my Calculus Professor.

Spock was still asleep, soft snores making the only sound in the room as his chest heaved up and down. His lips were slightly parted, the corners of his mouth turned the slightest upwards, giving an illusion that we was smirking. His usually furrowed brows were relaxed, and he almost looked peaceful. There was something about him sleeping that made my heart soften a bit: he looked so normal.

I admired him for another minute or two before carefully slipping out the bed, fumbling my way quietly through the dark room before finding the bathroom.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw myself in the mirror. My thick, dark curls were wildly untamed as they overcame my gaunt cheeks that had been getting thinner and thinner from lack of eating. My usually bright green eyes were so dull, surrounded by dark circles that seemed like permanent tattoos. My lips looked dry and chapped, just as dry as my tongue felt. I glanced down at the sweatshirt I was wearing. I knew it was several sizes too large for me, but I couldn't help but notice the swells of my breasts and stomach poking out from under it. I gave my thighs a little squeeze, devastated at how much they filled my hand despite my efforts to make them smaller. I lifted the hoodie to look at my stomach which was littered with blue and green bruises. My stomach hung out so low, if I had scissors I could cut it off. I absentmindedly took the fat and used my fingers to act as if I had done just that.

"I think that would be entirely unnecessary, Evelyn."

I nearly jumped out of my skin as I looked up to see Spock standing in the doorway behind me with a look that seemed... sad?

"Perhaps it will help me squeeze into the uniform better if I do." I blurted out, my cheeks turning red from shame.

"I cannot take back what I said. But," he paused, a semi guilty look taking his face," I am sorry for it."
 
I didn't say anything as we stared at each other through the mirror. I couldn't help the tears that pricked my eyes as I began to think about the past couple of months and how emotionally straining it has been. Without a word, Spock came behind me and wrapped me in a hug I didn't know I needed. My lip quivered as my body started shaking from the sobs that threatened to pour out of me.

Everything that I had been hiding for years came pouring out of me; the loss of my father, my own mother's rejection, my own anxiety and depression. Nothing was a secret anymore, I had bared myself in front of Spock in a mess of words and tears on his bathroom floor.

And through it all Spock just held me. Without speaking, without judgement, just held me. And when I had finally stopped my crying and blubbering he lifted my chin so I could meet his eyes. 

"You will never be anything less than amazing, Evelyn McLaren. I cannot fix everything, but I can promise to hold you together long enough to help you put some pieces back together."

I sobbed again, wrapping my arms around his neck and squeezing so tight I was afraid I would cut off oxygen. It didn't make sense why he would still care for me after the awful things I had said, or how horribly I had treated him. But I cared for him too, and nothing else mattered more to me than being in his arms right now.

"Perhaps a shower will make you feel better? I've heard humans like to shower when they feel bad." Spock said quietly into my ear.

I chuckled, pulling away to look at him. "I had a shower earlier, I would just be wasting water."

"It was just a suggestion." He commented, standing up while also pulling me to my feet.

"I think you just want to see me naked." I teased, pleased at the green tinge that took hold of his cheeks.

Wouldn't be the first time I've imagined it.

My eyes widened with shock as he accidentally admitted this. Spock turned even greener as I laughed at him.

"Forgive me, I didn't mean- I wasn't-"

"Oh baby, it's okay." I said, wiping a tear from my eyes as I giggled. "I know all my hotness is distracting." I joked.

"Says the woman who drooled on me in her sleep and then used me as a tissue for her runny nose this morning." Spock said, earning a shocked look and a light slap on his arm.

"As if! I am a natural sleeping beauty." I countered jokingly, following him into the living room.

Spock shook his head at me, but gave me a smile that nearly knocked me off my feet.

And just like, I'm minutes this seemingly emotionless man went from holding me with a tenderness I'd never known to making me laugh. Damn all the consequences, I was absolutely, positively, head over heels in love with my Calculus Professor.