A Chance For Him

Chapter 10: Aftermath

I cried for almost an hour before I began to calm down. I didn't let Keith go though, I couldn't. I knew it was irrational to fear Keith's response. Especially after that hug he gave me, but there was a nagging voice in the back of my head that said I was too much. That he felt pity for me, but didn't want the baggage. That he was looking for someone who could be his rock, not another tree in the wind.

This voice was one that had haunted me from my last life, almost till the end. The voice that told me I wasn't good enough. The voice that held me back from what I wanted. It's soft, sickening voice dictated my life. Telling me that I should hurt myself, since Dad wasn't there to do it for me anymore. Telling me to joke and flirt like everything's alright. To never let anyone past a certain point. It pushed down my feelings for Keith, made me believe I hated him. Made me find reasons to hurt him, whether it be my words or my fists, that did the deed.

That voice insisted that I should push aside everything to do with my father. Not to think about it. Not to talk about it. It was only then, as I let my grief flow through me for the forst time that I realized why the voice resonated with me so deeply. It was my father's voice. All it did was repeat the things my father would want me to believe. It punished me for being myself. It gripped me tightly.

"Oh God..." I whisper into Keith's shoulder, "Oh, God!"

"What? What's wrong Lance?" Keith didn't pull away completely, just enough to see my face, the panic in my eyes.

"How have I never seen it before. It was so obvious. I should have known." I was gone, in my head, searching through my memories, looking at all the times 'he' interfered with life, even after 'he' was gone.

"-ance! Lance!" Keith concerned cries pierced though the walls, I hadn't realized I'd been putting up. He seemed to realize I was hearing him now and softened his voice. "I can't understand you. I think you slipped back into Spanish."

I hadn't realized, but it made sense. I tried to calm down, but my breathe was still ragged. I searched Keith's eyes looking for something, anything to hold onto.

"You don't need to tell me what just happened if you don't want to. I know that everything you just told me was a lot, but you need to know I'll always be here. Whenever you're ready, and if you're never ready, then I won't pry. I do hope, though, that you can trust me enough some day."

I settled on the warm, honey-golden flecks in Keith's violet eyes. My breathing slowed.

"Talk.... More.... Please.... " I hoped it was english, I needed him to understand me. To guide me out of my head with his soothing voice. His smile told me everything.

"There was this one time that Shiro..." Keith talked to me, telling me little stories from his childhood. The few happy ones he had. Trivial, unimportant, but soothing. It felt like hours before I could breathe normally again. In reality it was probably about 20 minutes.

"Thank you." I said softly, when I felt I could speak again.

"Anytime." He murmured back.

"I- I just realized that this is the first time I've ever let myself think of this part of my life like that."

"Like what?" He prompted.

"Like it's the trauma that it is. Like what happened to me was rape. This is the first time I've ever let myself believe that a woman can rape a man. I've been avoiding looking at it for so long. Always resenting the pity and sadness Mama and everyone gave me, because that made it real. So much more real than I ever wanted it to be again, now that my father was out of my life. I had always somewhere in me believed what he told me, and as I grew up and formed my own opinions. Found out what was right and wrong.

I just skirted around those memories, not letting myself make sense of them. Not letting myself fully understand what was done to me. Now that I have, It's so... Freeing. Like I had been carrying this boulder on my back, while convincing myself it was a rock. Now, I've set it down and looked at it, and it isn't gone by any stretch, but It's lighter. I don't think I can just forget what he did or how it's effected me, but I feeled validated somehow." I laughed there, a sort-of warm, bubbly feeling built up inside me. I was laughing, it wasn't funny, but I couldn't help myself.

I looked at Keith, who had a perplexed look on his face, I laughed harder.

"God, I love you."

Keith blushed, not expecting the sudden declaration. His eyes seemed to be debating something, while he looked into mine. "I don't know about love, but I think I like you... that way. I just have never felt like this before. I can't promise anything, but I think I like to try."

"Try?" I thought I knew where this was going, but I wasn't going to get my hopes up to much, until I was sure.

"Try this." He gestured between us. "Try loving you. I didn't want to say anything, before I knew I was ready to jump in. And this piece of you that you've shared with me, just made me feel... ready."

"You mean it?" Keith nodded, and I was hugging him again, tightly. He hesitated for a moment but put his arms arougnd me as well. I pulled away and seached his eyes for any uncertainty, but found nothing there.

"Can I-?" But before I could finish my question, five guilty looking faces entered through the door to the common area. It didn't take much for me to figure out why they looked that way. I just hoped I was wrong.