stumbling into line (sidemen ff)

Chapter 12: 'as clear as a gunshot to the head'

She felt like she was waiting for something that had already happened.  Constantly turning to the clock and back again, to the clock and back again, to the clock and back again.  The time only changed by seconds each time and the more she looked, the slower time seemed to go and the more frustrated she got.

"Maybe this is a sign?  That we aren't supposed to be here?" Josh thinks aloud, his tone is dull and emotionless like he's trying, and failing miserably, to distract himself.  Freya laughs, not a happy laugh.  It's bitter and hopeless, a pity laugh, to, no doubt, distract herself.

"You know for shit that you don't believe in signs, Josh," she bites, a calming venom to her voice, "and neither do I, so stop trying to make me feel better."

Josh sighs and sits back.  He knows how hard this is on Freya but he was going through this too and it hurt.  It hurt a lot, he felt like someone was slowly trying to tear him apart and the only things holding him together was the fact that this was for the best and that he wasn't alone in this, but no matter how much he told Freya that he was feeling, at least, a similar way to her, she still shut him out.

So he pleads, "You don't have to be so bitter.  I'm trying to lighten the mood."

Freya turns back and stares daggers at him before returning to looking back at the clock again.

"An abortion clinic isn't a place for a light mood, Josh." She practically growls, like a mother trying to discreetly tell their child off in public.  It works, Josh feels like a naughty five year old.  He stands up, muttering quietly about needing air, and walks out of the medical stench of a waiting room.

Once leaning against the wall, he takes a deep breathe and closes his eyes.  He listens intently to the sound of London traffic driving past the medical centre and takes in the horrible smell of chips and exhaust fumes that comes with the city.

After a few deep breathes of composure, he turns and walk back into the waiting room where Freya is just beginning to stand and head to the doctor's office.  He follows her and grabs her hand, intertwining there fingers as they walk through a door labelled, '2'.  Simple.

They sit before the doctor and the overwhelming feeling that they're back in school and sat before a teacher washes through the room.  It's calming, in a strange way.  It reminds Josh of before things were hard, before they were even together.  Don't get him wrong, he loved Freya and would do anything for her but school life just seemed so much easier for both of them and he almost smiles at the memories.  His earliest memory of Freya, and Tobi for that matter, was when he heard a rumour of them dating when they were eleven.  The rumours were true but changed from them getting together to them breaking up within two days.  It was a short lived relationship but Freya had told Josh that she wouldn't be as close with Tobi if it hadn't have happened. 

"Normally," the doctor starts, "We like to talk with our patients and get to the roots of why you would like an abortion before we actually give you the medication.  Are you boyfriend and dad?" Josh cringed at the mention of 'dad', it gave him a weird sickly feeling in the pit of his stomach.  He didn't cringe of a distaste to the word but because he liked it.  He like the idea of being called 'daddy' by a little girl or boy and it made the painful truth hurt even more.

Deep down, he knew that Freya wanted to keep the baby and, also, there was some part of him that did too but both of them knew that it just wasn't the right decision and that to be satisfied as parents they would want to give their child the most love they have ever felt.  All the love they could.  They knew, though, that they wouldn't be able to do that, which made the pain of abortion higher because it wasn't because they didn't want a son or a daughter but because they would not be good enough parents.

Josh nods, not trusting his voice to be calm and steady at all.  The doctor returns the nod, sensing the high tensions in the room and quickly moves along.

"Okay, would you be able to tell me why you think you want to have this abortion?" He writes a few notes down.  Josh looks to Freya, who has pulled her sleeves over her hands and is resting her chin against them.

"Um, we're both really busy." Josh starts, "This wasn't planned and no matter how much we want to keep it we know that we wouldn't be able to take care of it properly."

The doctor writes more and goes in one of the drawers at his desk.  He pulls out a box, and from that a tablet.

"Since you are only six weeks gone you are able to simply just take a pill.  There isn't many side effects apart from simple things like nausea and you should come on your period within two days of taking it.  Also, you will need to take it here so you can take it now or make an appointment to come back."

Josh listens intently and barely notices Freya lean in and hold her hand out, but he does fully see her tip her head back and swallow the pill without a drink.  He hears the gulping sound as clear as a gunshot to the head.

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Josh takes Freya home.  She said she wanted to sleep and Josh suggested a cuddle, that he very much wanted, but Freya had claimed that she wanted to be left alone.  He didn't argue.

A simple, 'love you', was muttered when Freya hopped out of the car and Josh spent the whole car ride home wondering why she had hesitated, even just a slight bit, to return the words.  In fact, it wasn't just the car ride home but multiple following hours.  The ringing milliseconds of silence that had come before the simple gesture rang through his head and haunted his every thought.  It made him feel like he was going crazy as he remembered, each time he expected the pause not to be there but was disappointed.

He was just being paranoid.  He's always paranoid.  She did love him.  Didn't she?

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I'm scared for this Chapter because I have never written anything like this in a chapter and I guess I'm just a little anxious.  I hope you enjoyed it...

Chapter 13 sneak peek 2:

'He regretted the quick decision they had and knew that she did too.  The regret didn't hide the relief of having the weight lifted off his shoulders but it did present a whole new scenario to deal with.  One that was twice as heavy.'

Baaiiii!!!  Love you guys!!  xx <3 xx