Still Dreaming - Treebros

Chapter 20: "The End of a Movie I've Seen Before"

Friday, November 29th

Rain pounds hard against the window. Usually, the sound of rain is calming to me. I always fall asleep better during storms, listening to the rain patter against the roof.

Not today. It's too loud. Too much.

Everything is too much.

I don't know what time it is. Sometime at night. It's orange outside. Maybe it's dawn, maybe it's dusk. I don't care.

I think it's still Thanksgiving. Everyone's out with their family. They're out with people who matter to them

I guess that's why I'm alone. I don't matter to anyone.

I think I hear a buzz, but it's probably in my brain. My phone is probably dead.

My laptop died halfway through Breaking Dawn part one, so I decided to just scroll on apps on my phone. I wasn't really into the movie anyway. I had gotten a notification that my phone was on low battery, and the sound startled me and I accidentally dropped it besides the bed.

I thought about reaching down to go get it. Mom hadn't texted yet, and she'd be worried if I didn't respond.

Instead, I just stared at the faint outline of it on the floor.

At some point, I had rolled onto my other side.

Pathetic.

I couldn't even muster up enough energy to hate myself. My body felt like it was made of stone. Moving wasn't a thought in my mind.

How did I get here?

A year ago, I was happy. Laughing. I had people around me. I wasn't not sad, but I wasn't only sad.

Now, I'm not even really sad. Just... tired. Done. Over it.

Everything changed for the worse.

It always does.

What if this is it? What if I used up all my happy, and it's just a lifetime of... this? I ruin every relationship that I'm in, and now that I know what it's like to love like that, how am I just supposed to live knowing that I'll never find it again?

Connor was it for me. He brought meaning into my life. He decided that he didn't want me, just like Sam did. I'm not the kind of person that makes people want to stay.

Best case scenario? I spend the rest of my life regretting making Connor leave me. I'll regret not being enough, or maybe not trying hard enough to convince him to stay. I know me. I know I'll never be over it. Barely an hour goes by where I don't think about him, about us. About what we were. What I can never have again.

I think about soft nights in his room. Long afternoons in classrooms. Easy drives in Zoe's car. The days we went without talking.

I'm right back where I was over the summer. But this time, I tried to get up and fell flat back on my face.

So what's the point?

Wetness tickles my lip. Stickiness stretches across my cheeks as I scrunch my face. I've been crying. Go figure.

I swing my legs over the side of the bed before I can think better of it. I want to at least try to fall asleep later, and that's never gonna happen with a sticky, tear-soaked face. With a strained groan, I drag myself into the bathroom. The door feels heavy as I swing it open and flip the lights on.