The Things I Won't Ever Say to You

For the You That Will Never Read This

Haha, here it goes... and, just so you know, I actually wrote this poem/letter in American History class... we were supposed to be research, but... meh, I can't research in school. And yes, there was someone I was directing this to... But disregard all that and think of it as a part of the story.

Maybe,

I am making everything too complicated,

Imagining things that are not real.

The looks... are they just a passing glance,

Or do they mean something?

The interest in the books I'm reading...

Just curious? In search of reading materials?

Or is it a sign that...

You care?

I am not even sure if my feelings exist,

Or I just like to entertain the idea.

Thinking thoroughly,

Realized that I don't really know anything,

Only small fragments, about you.

Favorite food? Color? Subject?

Birthday?

Though it casts a brief, thin blanket of

Panic

To think about next year,

And beyond that, college,

Where I might not be in any of your classes,

I guess my feelings aren't

Strong enough

To overwhelm my fear of humiliation,

Being turned down.

Probably, I think,

I always think probably,

You are treating me as you would anyone else.

Frustration,

In not being able to know what you feel,

In not being ablr to ask without you knowing.

Foolish,

For all my wishes and fantasies

That I thought, maybe believed, were realistic,

At least for the moment that I thought them,

Those dreams that lull me to sleep,

That chased away nightmares.

It seems pathetic

To rely on a figment of my imagination.

There were so many other fool's hopes,

Too embarrassing to even write down.

Is this even real?

I am too young to understand, perhaps.

A tightness in my chest,

Anxiety,

Wanting... something even I am not sure of.

Maybe,

All I really want is to be

Friends,

But I have no way of knowing.

I have not told anyone, have not confessed,

And I don't think I ever will.

I'm like that,

Unwilling to take chances,

Even for happiness.

I can only imagine when you grow older,

And get girlfriends,

And I'll just be watching,

Watching...

Hurting,

Yearning,

And yet I won't do a thing.

I'll only wait,

And wait.

For something that will probably never happen.