The Things I Won't Ever Say to You

Farewell, My Love (or not)

This is an actual letter that I wrote - the day before my middle school graduation.

Dear Maven,

Maybe you know I liked you; maybe you don't. Part of me hopes you figured it out, and another part of me is terrified you've figured it out.
Anyway, I am writing this knowing I will never give it to you, knowing you will never read it.
We're graduating tomorrow, and... I think I want to put an end to this silly crush, although some of me still wants to linger. This year's crush should stay this year's; there really is no need to bring an unnecessary infatuation to distract myself next year.
Maven, I'm glad I met you, glad I got to compete in the MathCounts competitions with you... though maybe it wasn't "with you," since you never really talked to me. Actually, maybe the competitions were actually straight-out awkward for me.
It's so weird, though. I didn't like you in seventh grade, only admired you, envied you, looked up to you. I don't see why that changed. But... it did, and it had been constant frustration.
I'm kind of embarrassed to even write down that I daydreamed about you, wondered. Sometimes, I might just be drawing, and then all of a sudden I would wonder what you would say if you see my artwork, which, admittedly, was silly, because you said you don't care about art. I've thought about what it would be like to listen to you play the violin, for me. I would be eating dinner, and I would wonder what you eat for dinner. Sometimes thinking about you makes me want to laugh at myself for being so childish. Sometimes it would make me feel so lost I don't know what to do except picking up a book and living in someone else's world.
I've asked myself questions like "Why do I like you?" To be perfectly honest, I don't have a solid answer. But my best guess would be that you presented a challenge, whether you knew it or not. I tried to get your attention by getting good grades in math... you never seemed to notice, and the times when you do, you appear not jealous at all. It makes me exasperated that you are such a better person than I am. Do you still have that poem I wrote, dedicated to you? Or is it somewhere in a landfill? That wasn't the only poem I wrote that was inspired by you, or written as I thought of you.
There was one that started off with my frustration at my fingers stuttering over piano keys, ending with my curiosity at how you seem to blend yourself into the music, even though you claimed to hate the violin.
I don't know what love feels like, but I know I wanted you to notice me, wanted you to play a song on your violin for me, wanted you to offer to teach me math... I tried to ask myself if I would give up my life to save you, and my answer was "most likely not." So I guess I don't love you? Then again, hypothetical scenarios don't really mean anything.
Sometimes I hate you for making me so confused, but at the same time I can't bring myself to stop liking you. I suppose all, or maybe most, middle school girls have experienced crushes before.
Hey, Maven, I will always wonder if you ever, even once, thought about me at a totally random circumstance, like when you are reading a book. I will always wonder at the what-ifs, even when they're futile, and the could-have-beens, even though they really couldn't have.
When I picked up this pen and carefully ripped this piece of paper from a notepad of graph papers 50 minutes ago, I thought I'd have a lot to write. And I suppose I do have a lot to write: I can write about you on your violin, you in MathCounts, you and your friends. I could write down a list of questions I had ever wanted to ask you, that will never be answered. I can go on and on, and part of me wants to, because then I can procrastinate the ending of this letter, dragging on the time until I have ti write "Good-bye" and sign my name. I don't want to stop liking you.
It's 11:00 pm and I should start getting ready for bed, but I need to finish this even though I don't want to. Thank you for being in my life, for being a motivation, an inspiration, for being a goal, a challenge. Even if you never know you'd been those things to me, and might very well continue to be. I like you, Maven, I don't really know why. I liked you. Hopefully it stays past tense from now on.
Good-bye, Maven Zhang; see you next year in AP Biology. (Oh I am freaking out because no one sent anything on the summer classes for AP Bio...)
Thanks,

Minn Wang 6/16/15

PS Taiwan may not be a universally recognized country, but it does nit belong to China and is not a part of China.