The Things I Won't Ever Say to You

10/12/15 - The Monday Fits

I have these headaches on Mondays... makes me kind of depressed, feeling very pressured, tired, makes me feel deranged...
This Monday, here is what happened:

At piano lesson today:
1. I didn't practice enough, I knew that, I felt guilty, but I also knew come next week I still wouldn't have practiced enough.
2. Mom came in to listen - mostly to Brian, but I was first.
3. Nerves of playing in front of someone, being analyzed, plus the heavier keys of a grand piano, the pressure.
4. Didn't do so well.
5. My brother fell asleep.
6. Because I was ill-practiced, the teacher spent some time telling me how I need to practice to be able to play fast.
7. Me → suck.
8. (P.S. Also my brother got an 86 on a math test, and Mom was in an ill mood.
9. My brother didn't do so well either.
10. I probably did worse than him though.
11. On the car, I thought Mom would be yelling at us both.
12. But she only yelled at my brother.
13. Her yelling made me feel worse, guilty, because my brother probably practiced more than me for the week.
14. She talked about how my brother is wasting her money.
15. Reminded that I am also wasting her money.
16. Feels the realization that really, maybe I should quit piano.
17. The piano lesson money could be saved up for college tuitions.
18. Remembers how Mom only bought a piano because I told her I wanted to learn.
19. I actually only said I wanted to learn piano because I wanted a piano in the house.
20. I'm not sure why myself either, but I wanted a piano.
21. Guilt.
22. More guilt.
23. Too much guilt.
24. On my lap is my AP Bio notebook, with my messy notes in ink pen.
25. And the green scribbles I just added while practicing drawing glucose and fructose while my brother had his lesson.
26.
27. Was practicing because my teacher said there will be a quiz/assessment on it tomorrow.
28. High school is different than middle school-
29. Because I think I'm growing up,
30. Learning and discovering what I want to do
31. And what I don't.
32. I don't want to waste time and money on things I don't think will work out for me,
33. But I don't know how to approach Mom about it.
34. She'd be angry.
35. She'd be disappointed.
36. She'd think I'm giving up because I find something too difficult and I am not willing to work harder.
37. I am not willing to work harder for piano.
38. Although I wanted to be able to play,
39. I don't want it enough, apparently.
40. What's the point of this, then?
41. Wrist aches from tennis today.
42. Mouth dry from not drinking enough water.
43. Headache from everything.
44. Remembers English homework.
45. Still have no idea what exactly the teacher wants us to do.
46.
47. Life.
48.
49.
50.
51.
52.
53. Like a prime number.
54. I tried,
55. To make it a multiple of 5.
56. 7 and 8.
57. 3.
58. Multiple of a prime number - 29.
59. What?
60. The number of minutes in an hour and seconds in a minute.