The Things I Won't Ever Say to You

Just a Feeling

So... I'm really sorry that this part is just a bunch of mess. I won't blame anyone if you decide to stop after this. But I guess I am a tangled mess, in a way.

I feel like listing what I like about you.

-You are a hardworker, in some aspects.

-You play the violin beautifully.

-You're so smart...

-You are a nice person... not competitive and petty like me.

-You are happy. You always seem carefree and happy.

-Everyone knows you.

Why I like you (this is different than What I like about you):

-You present a challenge. I always feel like I need to catch up to you. You make me work harder. You give me a goal. You give me something to work toward, someone to impress.

-You are really really good at so many things. You make me imagine a life where you play your instrument just for me. But even I know that's near impossible. Though somehow I just couldn't squish the hope away...

Haha, even I don't really know why I want to be friends (at least friends!) with you...

It always seems so effortless for you to reach the top. Even when I surpass you in some circumstances, you just sit back and smile, like it's alright. I feel pride, and yet you don't seem envious at all. That made me like you more...

We don't even talk. We're not even friends. The only way you notice me is as the girl who is great at academics. Who is smarter than the most talented guy in the grade... and only in some instances. The girl who is always reading a book.

You don't see me as a friend, only as a classmate.

And did you know... I once stayed up so late reading a book, trying to finish it just so you would ask me for a look at my new book? Just so you'd be a little impressed? But really... (laughing at myself) you didn't even ask me for the book the next day. I felt so foolish.

Sorry... this story is supposed to be a story, isn't it, not a journal for some lovesick girl. I don't even refer to names... I'll try harder! I promise!

My name is Minn. And I like the most popular Asian guy in our grade. Please don't judge me for referring to anyone as Asian. It only seems right for me to describe people and settings in the most obvious way possible. And I can't really imagine myself with an American. (No offense to you Americans. You guys do sound awesome in novels. I'm sure you are. But not my type...)

{Interlude from me. I really would like to use the guy's actual name... just afraid someone'll recognize him. Haha.}

Maven Zhang is a genius. He, rumor has it, has already took his first SAT, and he is already planning to take college courses. I won't say the only thing I feel for him is "like" (love seems too strong a word...), because there is certainly a jumbo stack of envy there. And he is a violin prodigy... or sort of, to me. I love his playing.

It is stupid of me to dream about him. Daydream... or fantasies... or anything. We are only so young. So what if he actually likes me and confessed? We probably won't end up together in the long run anyway. So what if we did go to the same college? Maybe we'd have a chance. But this is stupid. There is no way... no way... that we'd go the same places, and no way he'd see me.

I wish he would see me.